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The Pranks of Errol Flynn!

Errol Flynn (6)

Many of those in today’s generation have never heard of Errol Flynn simply because they do not have nor have ever had an appreciation of the truest film classics made back in the Golden Age of movie making!  But those who do are almost certain to have heard of him.  They will likely know that he was the first — and in my humble opinion GREATEST — Robin Hood on film as well as perhaps the greatest on-screen Swashbuckler.

But his truest fans know that he acted most — if not all — of his own stunts and was actually a true-life adventurer (with experience battling head-hunters [not the corporate type who try to find people for jobs!] and actually took a spear through one of his ankles!) prior to taking up the acting mantle.  But even more amusing, most have probably never known that in addition to women, food, and drink, one of his favorite pastimes was playing pranks and enjoying a good laugh with his most cherished friends!

So, here, I have detailed some of his most legendary pranks which may or may not be true (but most likely are!).

  1. Duck, Duck, Goose!  The earliest prank that he played as a child may or may not have been as much a prank as it was a strange fascination with the digestive system of a goose.  But Errol Flynn described it in his autobiography, My Wicked, Wicked Ways.  His father was a professor while they were living in Tasmania as Errol was but a lad.  While the old man was away, Errol decided to tie one end of an extremely long string to a piece of bread and feed it to one of several geese.  Knowing that the bread would come back out the other end relatively quickly, he waited for the string to reveal itself.  So — yet again — he tied another piece of bread to the same end and fed it to another goose.  After retrieving the end once more, he kept repeating this sequence until he had several geese on one string and eventually tied the two ends together finishing up with a literal ring of living geese flapping around quite crazily.  He wrote that his dad was so pissed when he got home that he smacked the boy on the head with his umbrella calling him something like a “little devil”.
  2. Corrupting the Children!     Errol was close friends with Lou Costello (one half of the ever-so-famous comedy acting duo Abbott and Costello).  The chubby comedian was famous for his generous nature toward the community which included letting children come to his home and watch cartoon footage on a film projector.  However, he got in a little bit of trouble with some parents after the witty Errol Flynn replaced one of the reels with stag footage!
  3. Weekend at Bernies?  One rumored prank of Errol’s involved a dead party guest at poolside at Flynn’s lavish mansion.  Apparently, the actor made his rounds and came to what appeared to be a drunk, passed out guest.  But when the late actor shrugged him, checked his pulse, and discovered he was dead, the Aussie actor decided to have a little fun with the body prior to calling the authorities.  When a swarm of gorgeous women came up, throwing themselves at him, he asked them for a favor in “cheering up one of his drunk buddies”.  They naturally obliged but eventually evacuated the premises scarred for life after having chummed up so closely to a corpse.
  4. Bottoming Bette!  Also detailed in his autobiography was a prank he played on Bette Davis that was immortalized in a movie they did together called The Private Lives of Elisabeth and Essex.  It all started when the actress, known for being very snobbish, uppity, and demanding, struck Errol several times with a hand loaded down with costume jewelry in a scene that called for her to do so.  Apparently, the director, Michael Curtiz, wasn’t convinced or maybe just enjoyed watching the surely actor getting his ass handed to him by the petite legendary actress.  But after several takes, he had finally called for a break.  During this break, Flynn went to her dressing room and suggested that she feign the strike, not really hitting him, but doing so at a convincing angle for the cameras.  Supposedly, the actress replied to him, telling him that she was a professional actress and she would do it “her” way.  Flynn departed angrily and commenced to becoming nauseated in his upset state.  Decisively, he stormed back to her dressing room and threatened that if she hit him again he would pretty much turn her into her own red carpet.  When it was time to redo the scene the actress did as Flynn had suggested and the director had been fully satisfied with it and decided to keep the scene.  The prank he played on her did not come until they shot the ending sequence, which was only supposed to show the two of them together in a happy moment.  But Errol Flynn overrode the script by raising his massive hand in the air and bringing it down hard and quick on Bette’s million-dollar ass!  The impact was so great that it lifted her off the ground!  The director, to Bette Davis’s dismay, also decided to keep that scene the way it was.  So when you watch the end of the film, you can see that vengeful prank in all its full glory!

Certainly, there were many more of these pranks.  But these were certainly the most legendary, with one possible exception…one where Errol Flynn himself was the hapless victim.

Errol Flynn had been mentored by the late, great John Barrymore.  And it only stands to reason that he was deeply saddened by the elder actor’s passing.  Several of his buddies decided to acquire the famous actor’s body for perhaps the greatest prank played in Hollywood, if not the sickest.  They set up the actor’s body in Flynn’s study prior to his coming back home after a long night of drinking.  Unfortunately, Flynn was traumatized upon his arrival, even though the prank was highly successfully played out.

AIDS Then and Now

Just recently, U2 minus Bono and several other performers performed a concert on the streets of New York to celebrate World AIDS Day.  Some legendary performances were there to be had for those willing to watch the below video:

When AIDS reared its ugly head back in the early-80s, I was still but a teenager, longing for my first romantically sexual encounter with that special woman who I would eventually have enough guts to pursue to the bedroom.  I say “have enough guts” because I was way too shy for my own good.  I was actually so terrified to ask a girl to my high school prom that I practically dug my head into the sand and pretended that it did not even exist!

But I remember the thought going through my head, “Wow!  Never had sex…and now there is this HUGE RISK to doing it.”  It was a real bummer for me.  Part of this, I justified as God’s punishment for people who broke His rules for sex that violates His own specific code of morality.  But the other thing was the feeling that nature had a cruel sense of humor.  Rumors abounded that AIDS came to us from Africa from people who chose to have sex with Monkeys…others blamed it on something that formed when gay men had sex with each other.  But the only fact was that AIDS was a huge question mark with a figurative gun in its hand, shooting down not just sexual victims, but anyone who came into a specific type of contact with infected blood (e.g. receivers of blood transfusions, people with open wounds exposed to contaminated blood, etc.).

For me, personally, AIDS back then was 50 times more serious then than it is now.  Back then, they did not have the medical technology and medicines to effectively fight the disease like they do now.  Back then getting HIV or AIDS was surely a death sentence!

Then came the first time I had sex in a Mexican brothel in 1989!  I, of course, wore a rubber.  I was drunk and out with Marines from my unit whose mission it was to “get me laid”.  And the subject of their selection for me was a very overweight, old, and ugly prostitute to whom I had no attraction to whatsoever.  But I couldn’t let the guys down!  They had to get their money’s worth.

When it came time to do the deed, the liquor had already affected me in a way that made the prostitute very angry and impatient.  She began rushing me to finish.  Despite my embarrassment at the entire situation, and wondering how in the hell I ended up there, I laughed drunkenly.  But eventually I finished.  And — at least in the eyes of my Marine buddies — I went into that brothel a boy and came back out a man.  Realistically, my transition into manhood occurred a few years earlier at a place called Parris Island in South Carolina.  But that is a different story for a different day.

That instance in Mexico, to this very day, is a bit of an embarrassment to me and a stain on a mattress against who I really am.  Why do I share it now?  Probably because I feel that AIDS is more important than one individual. It affects everyone who wishes to have sex.  It does not look at whether you are a virgin, whether you are in a brothel, whether you are a playboy, whether you are having sex on your wedding night…it simply does not discriminate, and it never has.  And if allowed to do so, it simply kills.

But the bottom line was that I needed to have a better encounter with sex than I just had.  And I would not let AIDS stop me from doing it.  But my shyness would still not lend me the confidence to seduce a woman here in America.  So my next sexual experiences were overseas at ports I would encounter on a West-Pac float, where the women were more willing when it came to American servicemen.  It was explained to me that women in the third-world countries we would be visiting would do ANYTHING to get American citizenship.  And I made it my personal goal to sexperience a woman in every port I encountered.  I even documented these encounters in my West-Pac journal that has gone missing since I’ve been married to my second wife.

Our first port was Subic Bay in the Philippines, where the beer was just as cheap as the women.  We had all been warned about AIDS being prevalent in the area and advised to wear condoms.  They also told us about health cards carried by the women in that port.  These cards, supposedly administered by doctors on the military bases, would help vouch for their “sexual purity” from having the disease.  They got routine checkups and blood-work; and when all and said was done, they would get a stamp of approval that they were safe for consumption by the average Marine or sailor.  We needed only check the dates on the cards.  I remember feeling that it reminded me of buying milk or eggs or something.  Even though many of these women were simply whores, they were more lovingly called “bar-girls”.  The servicemen paid their bar-fine in order to be allowed to leave with them.  One that I left with actually told me that I could “have” her for the entire stay if I paid her $30 (which effectively would cover her rent for the very shabby dwelling that I recall and then some!).  So I eventually did this for her.

She was the very first woman with whom I eventually had unprotected sex (she and my hormones had somehow managed to talk me into it).  I remember the feeling too.  It not only was addictive, but it was extremely memorable and pleasurable.  The most important thing I recall is that I had at least been attracted to her, unlike the Mammoth I massacred in Mexico.

My first terrifying incident in sex came in Korea!  This was another port where AIDS was purported to be present in high frequency.  My friends and I were in this one bar where the women literally rushed us when we walked in, making me halfway understand what it must have been like for John, Paul, George, and Ringo!  One of them was the most gorgeous woman I had encountered yet while travelling abroad.  These particular girls were typically paid like any other prostitute, totally different than the “bar-fine” system implemented in the Philippines.  So I paid this one girl and had an encounter with her that ended up with a busted condom.  My friend was waiting for me downstairs when I came back down, horrified at what had just happened, the fear of getting AIDS more realistic to me than ever before!

“I just had a blowout!” I announced to him when I stepped up to the table where he was sitting.  He laughed at me and then started following me as I hurriedly left to find the nearest store or drug store.  And South Korea was not a very tourist-friendly location of the world.  Their stores, nor their product, had any English labels whatsoever.  So I stormed into this one shop looking for soap and towels.  The closest thing I could find was some Windex-looking cleaner and some paper towels.  I bought them, took them into the restroom, and thoroughly cleaned myself and all my parts off that I thought may have been contaminated.

Now, I cannot help but laugh at the experience!  But back then, I was literally in shock and horror at the entire situation.  Later, while en route to our next port, they held what they called a “conscience check”, which was simply their way of allowing anyone who felt they may have come into sexual contact with anything unbecoming to come forward to the corpsmen and get checked out.  I, of course, decided to do so.  And when they punched my bore, I almost immediately regretted having done so.  I always joke around, saying that it took them 15 minutes to peel me off the ceiling.  But it was no joking matter at all when it happened!  That must have been one of the worst pains I could have ever gone on to live without.  But in the end I came up clean.  And that put my mind at rest!

The whole point of this article was to help you see through the eyes of someone who lived during that time — the time when AIDS was still bigger and scarier than it has ever been! — what it was like to even consider sex.  Sometimes, I would try to ask myself:  “Does this woman seem like she gets around much from bedroom to bedroom, or does she seem like the type it would be safe to have unprotected sex with?”  Nowadays, HIV/AIDS is still scary…but you can actually live a nice, full life with the disease unlike you could when it had first come about.

There are still some loose ends left in my story that don’t much pertain to AIDS.  Did I ever get to where I could effectively seduce women?  Yes!  My first successful seduction had been in Mackay, Australia when some Australian guy approached a beautiful blonde with whom I’d already acquainted myself.  As a matter of fact, I had left to get drinks for us at the bar and come back to see this fellow sitting in my stool.  I didn’t want to get ugly with the fellow (because it could have caused complications with me being in the American military); so I simply returned, sat our drinks on the table, cut in between them and began kissing her.  Her kissing me back gave me safe assurance that the pest would buzz off, and indeed he did.  Within an hour, we were off to her house.

And did I continue to pursue women in spite of aids and still have unprotected sex with them?  Yes, and yes.  I hate to admit that I had become a womanizer after having seen the world, all the beauty of it…everything from the sheer excellence of the Sydney Opera House’s unique architecture, to the sweet alluring taste of passion fruit wine, down to every sexy curve possessed by the various women I had encountered.  I knew that unprotected sex was a risk…but just like raw oysters, I loved it all tremendously!  And I took the risk, ever the fool.  Luckily for me, I’m still here to helplessly right about it.

Little Red Chevette

 

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What most people did early in their lives, I did a little bit late.  

For example, most the people I talk to lost their virginity when they were between the ages of 14 and 18.  Not me!  I was SUPER shy before joining the Marine Corps at the age of 18.  Even afterward, I was not AS shy, but it always took me plenty of liquid courage to go up and start talking to girls.  Sure, I was trained to kill communists in dozens of different ways, but no one ever trained me to be a seasoned gentleman.

Secondly, most of my fellow classmates went to college much earlier than I.  My Filipino father, upon finding out that I was thinking about enlisting in the Marines at the age of 18, offered to send me to college in the Philippines.  “Our family is wealthy over there,” he explained.  “You will have servants working for you.”  But I had never been there and had no desire to live there without having ever visited.  Thus, I did not go to school until after I finished my seven and a half years in the Marines utilizing the G.I. Bill benefits in which I had enrolled.

Lastly, driving was another thing.  Truth be told, I was terrified of getting into an accident and killing either myself or someone else or maybe even both!  So at the not-so-tender age of 23, I finally got the courage to learn to drive and eventually get my license.  This was in Jacksonville, North Carolina.  I was at the twilight of my womanizing days and had — previously to getting the right and means to drive — had always gone out with friends who drove or took the bus (in California, the state of my first Marine Corps duty station, they actually had an incredibly convenient and efficient transit system!).  But the secretary at the Joint Public Affairs Office at New River, North Carolina, was selling a 1983 Chevy Chevette for only $600.  The year was 1990, and I was what some called a party animal and what others called a pussy hound.  The truth of the matter was that I was an idiot who could have started my education in those years, but chose — instead — to piss them away in bars all across the state of North Carolina.

Though I did not enjoy wisdom in those carefree years, I did instead enjoy making some fond and fun memories:

  • My First Screw  

No, this was not the first time I lost my virginity.  That had been in a Mexican brothel when I had been stationed at Camp Pendleton.  There was this one screw I kept in the change cubbyhole next to my gearshift.  I usually did this to get a laugh from my friends when we all would go through the drive-thru’s at various restaurants.  Whenever an attractive girl would hand my my food, I would cast a wolfish smile and say:  “Wanna screw?”  This went on until this one girl told me, “Sure”.  And I actually gave it to her!

  • My First Accident

My first accident occurred during the winter not long after I purchased my Chevette.  The morning had been misty, and I had been running late for work.  So I did not have time to let the windows defrost properly.  So I was dumb enough to try driving under those conditions.  It was all doable until the sun was causing an impossible glare.  And my friend had seen that I was coming up fast on a car stopped at a small intersection.  And I plowed it!  My entire front end looked like lettuce.  The back end of this guy’s mid-sized automobile looked absolutely fine!  

I eventually took the car to a body shop where they rigged a chain to the front bumper on one end, and to the  ground on the other.  They reversed the car, pulling the front end back out the way it needed to be…simple, but effective!  Then they just tapped all the dents out of what was left of the evidence.

  • My First Near-Miss

At one point, I tried to pass a car on a two-lane highway.  But the Chevette was never really known for its powerful engine.  But my new driver confidence failed me, and I ended up in a ditch to the left side of the road stuck in some mud.  Well I was with two other Marines.  And one of them got out of the car and used a tree-branch to try to move the car into a better position.  Well, when I gunned the engine, the car tires splattered mud all over the place, and he was covered!  But at least we were home free with no damage to the vehicle!

  • My First Customized License Plates

My first customized plate was simply:  PLAYBOY.  I chose it to be funny, but at the same time serious.  It was funny, because the last car a playboy would traditionally drive was a Chevette.  But the serious thing was that I was the real poor-man’s playboy!  And I actually did manage to pick up a few girls in my little red Chevette.  And many of them laughed their asses off when they saw the license plate.  When it came time for me to renew my license plate, I changed it to PAID 4.  

  • My First Punchline

One of the girls I picked up in a bar resulted from a funny little punchline I used:  my car itself!  I was in a nightclub and met this one girl I felt quite desirable.  We started talking, and she actually asked me:  “So what do you drive, Phil?”  I told her a red “‘Vette.”  And when we both left the bar and she saw what I drove, she laughed her tail off.  

  • My First Theft of a Minor

I have only stolen two times in my life.  The first time was when I was only 8-years old.  And I stole a car, if you can actually believe it!…a MATCHBOX car.  And I never could play with it, because I was afraid some policeman might see me and arrest me on the spot.  So I almost learned my lesson.  In what would eventually become my car many, many years later, I stole once again.  This time it was beer.  I alluded to this event in my first novel (2018: An Uncivil War).  This is what had happened.  An underage girl and her friend both asked me and a buddy — we were in a liquor store in Wilmington, NC — to take their money and buy a case of beer.  I promptly explained that was against the law.  So she said that if we would do it for her, she would allow us to take her to a party.  The problem was that these girls were gorgeous and we were horny!  As I was waiting in line to pay for the beer, two other guys came into the store.  And they invited them to the party too.  So the new problem was that they wanted to drive over with them instead of us.  So, after I paid for the beer and gave them back their change, they asked me for the beer.  I simply told them I needed to maintain appearances, since my car was parked right out the shop’s window.  “I’ll follow you guys,” I told them.  But instead, my buddy and I slipped away over to Wrightsville Beach where we met some other girls and shared the beer with them!

In 1993, I sold the Chevette to a Hispanic staff sergeant of Marines and used the money to purchase a black Buick Somerset, complete with sunroof!  Then from there, I’ve also owned a Ford Explorer, a Mercury Topaz, a Ford Taurus SE, a Chevy Prizm, a Ford Taurus SHO, a Ford Winstar, a Honda Accord, and the Honda Element and Hyundai Elantra I drive today., So my little red Chevette may have been the cheapest ride I’ve ever owned.  But it’s also given me some of my most precious memories!

 

One Man’s Art is Another Man’s MIsinterpretation

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As you can see in the picture above, one man’s art is another man’s misinterpretation.  This guy clearly did not know what to think of this statue!  So he decided to go in for a much closer look.  I guess, maybe he thought he may have been missing something.

Some people could easily let their dog take a dump in their living room, spray some fixer all over it, and call it art.  As a matter of fact we can oftentimes see food masquerading as art!  If you watch all the various cooking shows, so much time is spent on presentation that I wouldn’t be sure whether I should eat it or frame it!

A long time ago me and some of my buddies got drunk and ended up in a doughnut shop.  It had been the first time I ever saw these balls of baked dough that were almost the size of a hush puppy.  So I asked the woman, in my drunken slur,”What the hell are those?”

She answered:  “Doughnut holes.”

My booze-filled mind tried to wrap itself around that answer but couldn’t.  So I protested:  “No they’re not.”

And she looked at me, really aggravated.

And I told her:  “Please don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”  And then I commenced to pleading my case.  “You cannot eat an inanimate object.”

At this point, she grinned at me.  “Sir, it’s the center of the doughnut.”

All but one of my buddies, the sober one, were in total agreement with me.  One of them said:  “Then why don’t you call them doughnut centers?”

“But they are the same thing,” she tediously tried to argue.  “We call them holes, because when you take them out, a hole is left behind.”

I looked at my friends and told them:  “Here we are, Marines on the front line of defense, protecting a country that wants to mislead us.  What is up with that?”

My sober friend tried to explain that what the girl was saying made perfect sense.  One of my other buddies told him that he should go back there and help her sell doughnut centers.  So as you could see, this little piece of edible art that someone decided to call doughnut holes sparked a little bit of controversy!  The misinterpretation formed the very heart of this controversy.

Normally, when looking at art, we look at shape, line, space, color, texture, and various other appreciative qualities.  It even works the same way with food.

So before we pass judgment on the artwork of others, let us first try to look at it with an open mind.  And then — and then only then! — shall we pass judgement!

Gets Out Stubborn Stains?………..NOT!

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Faster than a spreading harlot….

More confusing than a loco motive…

Able to leap world leaders in a single bound…

Look!…under the desk!

It’s a head…

It’s a stain…

No, it’s Monica Lewinsky!

This particular former governmental intern, who once had a stain that she couldn’t just Shout out, just had a birthday and wanted to let the American public know five things.  But once the fabric of America gets stained, it will more than likely always be stained. Here’s what Lewinsky wants us to know:

  1. If Hilary Clinton runs for President, she may not maintain her silence.
  2. She also doesn’t like things that the former First Lady has recently said about her.
  3. The relations had by her and former President Clinton were consensual.
  4. She was not paid off by the powers that be.
  5. She contemplated taking her own life.

Please let me start by stating that normally when a person has a birthday, it is a joyous occasion where there is lots of soda and / or alcoholic beverages to be consumed; lots of cake to be eaten; and a certain number of candles on which the individual must blow.  First of all, alcoholic beverages may or may not have had anything to do with Lewinsky’s claim to fame; she should know better than to think she can have her cake and eat it too; some people, apparently, are better at blowing than others. But in Lewinsky’s case, she apparently has an ax to grind.  In my personal opinion, celebrating your 40th birthday does not give you a ticket to unearth a dirty blue dress, that no one really cares to see again, and then wave it around like Old Glory during the American Revolution.  To me, its just plain tacky.  But what do I know?

If Hilary Clinton runs for President, she may not maintain her silence.  

Blackmail, anyone?  Is it just me or, isn’t this how many whistle-blowers end up dead on the wrong end of a rope?  Heck!  As far as I know, I may end up dead on the wrong end of a rope myself for writing this article!  I may end up receiving a bomb or — worse yet! — a toxic blue dress in the mail.  Don’t get me wrong!  I think that Hilary’s head needs to roll for Benghazi, not have her strutting the Halls of Power as the Executive in Chief.  In my humble opinion, the former First Lady does not deserve the Oval Office, but the square one with reinforced bars and a personal potty at the end of her cot.

She also doesn’t like things that the former First Lady has recently said about her.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that if you get caught sleeping with someone’s spouse that someone is not going to have anything nice to say about you.  Of course it doesn’t help that Hilary has been said to apparently prefer the same gender when it comes to carpet cuisine.

The relations had by her and former President Clinton were consensual.

Many Americans don’t care if it was consensual or not!  It brought an executive governmental structure to its knees!  People from all over started referring to the Oval Office as the Oral Office.  Check out this parade float in Germany:

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This little affair made a mockery of the Office of President of the United States of America!  Many Americans feel that if this fiasco had not happened, this President would have been known as one of the greatest our country has ever had.  Unfortunately for Clinton, I’m not one of them.

She was not paid off by the powers that be.

And if she had been paid off, how the hell would we have ever known about it?  And why the hell would it concern any of us?  It’s not like we get paid a percentage of what she ended up being paid or not paid.

She is really lucky that she did not end up being found dead next to a nightstand with its surface covered by a bunch of spilled pills like Marilyn Monroe who is said in secret circles to have had an affair with JFK.  Monroe got offed without pay for her indiscretions, if these rumors are true.

She contemplated taking her own life.

First of all, if you are religious, you know that your life is not yours to take.  Secondly, I will tell her like one dude told another in the movie An American Werewolf in London:  “Aim at your mouth; you can’t miss!”

So, please, Mrs. Lewinsky, stay the hell off my computer screen.  Every time I see that stain, I can’t tell if it is really you, or if someone’s been surfing porn sites on my computer!

Note:  In this article, I am not saying that anyone did or did not do any of this, but simply responding to what I have already seen and read in the media throughout the years after the Clinton scandal rocked the world press.  The opinions stated here are mine and do not reflect that of WordPress or anyone else.

 

 

Men: How You Can Train Your Inner Dog!

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Most, if not all women, have heard the old saying:  All men are dogs!

But as men, we all know this is simply not true.  Because how can we be dogs when dogs are man’s best friend?

I propose that all men have an inner dog within him.  The dog comes out more and more as we go through puberty and beyond.  From there, it is up to us to eventually tame this dog lest it wrestle control from our general psyche, making us do and say foolish things that we may or may not live to regret.  Some men want to let the dog run free and hump the leg of every beautiful woman who crosses his path.  Others prefer to gradually introduce this inner dog to a woman of deep interest in hopes that she will eventually decide that she likes the dog.  In places like England, Ireland, Scotland, Australia, and New Zealand, many men freely allow and encourage their dogs to chase pussy from one end of the town to the other!  Some men have completely given up on training their inner dog after having tried.  Sadly enough, some men don’t even realize they have an inner dog.  And they never realize it until they do something totally regretful.  In my personal case, I was single and made a vow to God in prayer that I would never bed a married woman.  Never mind the fact that premarital sex is a sin in the Bible!  Well, one night, under the spell of Red Dog and the enchantment of a woman who I’d kissed before noticing a wedding ring on her finger, I broke that vow.

Many men out there know just what I am talking about.  Maybe some of them have made complete asses of themselves before they realized that there was this little obnoxious and annoying puppy in their inner being.  Eventually, a puppy becomes a dog.  And the dog eventually may reign supreme…or so it seems.

I’m here to tell you:  You can teach an old dog new tricks!

In the Marine Corps, I used to be one of the most hopeless womanizers.  I should have been in school, getting a bachelor degree at the base educational facility.  But I was in the bars instead, carousing and chasing the fairer sex.  Eventually, I met my ex-wife and my current wife.  And, sure!  I had a period of wildness between my divorce and my second marriage.  To me, it was a good time to let my dog off its leash.

Anyone who knew me when I was single would probably have never guessed that I would be one of the most faithful men a woman could ever hope to marry.  And my ex-wife and wife both know that I am a truly honorable husband.

So how did I go from being the canine king to the faithful husband of the year?  I trained my inner dog.  And here is how you can too:

Single man dog training:

  • Don’t get involved with anyone with whom you work!  It may seem cool and exciting at first, but there is nothing cool about getting shit-canned because you dipped your pen in company ink.  Just try feeding your dog when you don’t have any money coming in!
  • Don’t mix business with pleasure.  Because the people with whom you work may be able to get dirt on you to use at a later date.
  • Always wear a condom during sexual encounters.  A pregnant woman either becomes your wife or rich on your tab.  Keep in mind that every father should make great efforts to support his children.  Getting married can also crimp your lifestyle if you are not ready for it.  In this case, your dog may not just roll over; he may just roll over and play dead!
  • Control your liquor intake, or it will control you.  Your dog may just go barking up the wrong tree!  I found this out when I was drinking under age in 1989.  A gorgeous babe was staring at me from the other side of the bar.  So I just walked up to her and started kissing her.  I thought things were going very well until I felt a tap on my shoulder.  Next thing you know, I turn and get sucker punched.  To add insult to injury, I was too drunk to defend myself.  If I had been more sober, maybe I would have realized this girl was at the bar with her boyfriend who ended up not taking too well to seeing us kissing.
  • When you are wasted, do not get behind the wheel of a vehicle.  You really should not even do it if you have had anything to drink.  But I got into the habit of tossing my keys into the air and seeing if I could catch them as I walked out to my car.  I never did have trouble catching them.  And I never did get pulled over and busted for having been drinking.

Married man dog training:

  • Never allow yourself to be alone with another woman other than your wife in enclosed quarters.  If you have to, be sure to leave a door open so that you may be able to have witnesses if the time ever comes for that.  A good witness comes in handy when your watch dog isn’t watching closely enough.
  • Never let your dog go where it doesn’t need to be.  Just as you would never let your dog run around in the streets, you need to watch where you maintain your company.  Married men have no business being in bars.  Some men think that wearing a wedding ring in a bar will keep women from hitting on them.  Actually it is quite the opposite.  Many women take great pride in luring men away from their marriages and in between their sheets.  Neither do they have any business being in their home with only another woman who is not their wife.  Likewise, they should not be in another dwelling alone with another woman who is not their wife.
  • Don’t fall for society’s stimulating suggestiveness.  Women wearing next to nothing advertising whatever it is they are advertising is likely to make your dog drool.  Be strong!  Don’t let your dog go anywhere near such advertising, no matter how much it tempts you to stare.  Television shows now glorify cheating on your spouse.  Talk about a sure way to get your dog into the doghouse if not put down altogether!
  • Always remember that honor is a rare commodity in today’s world.  Who says a dog cannot be a gentleman?  There is a painting of a bunch of dogs playing cards together.  So I guess this artwork blows that theory to hell!

These are some of the ways that I have trained my inner dog (at least as far as the married tips; for I used to always let my dog run stray when I was single!).  So what about your inner dog?  Is it ready for a Scooby Snack?