Tag Archives: dream

Guy-necologist or Gal-necologist?

Image

I remember when I was an over-sexed womanizer in the Marines, always looking for the next skirt to chase!  One night, me and my pack of wolves went out to party in Wilmington, N.C.  We were stationed in the barracks dormitories at Marine Corps Air Station New River (right across the water from Camp Lejeune!).  Taking Hwy. 17, it would take us about 45 minutes to an hour, depending on how many state troopers we saw along the way.  We would do this trip almost every weekend!

I recall one conversation I had with them during one of these trips, me driving while all of us were crammed into my little, red Chevette:

“Man!  You know what job would be my dream job!”

They shook their heads.

“Gynocologist!”

They giggled, but one of them reminded me:  “Yea…it seems like the dream job, now.”

I looked in my rear-view mirror at him and continued listening to what he was saying.

“…but wait until one of them comes in there with a rotten crotch!”

We all started laughing at that, but I retorted:

“That’s okay…I’ll clean and spit-shine it.”  I grinned at him through the rear-view mirror.  “When I’m done, it’ll be as good as a brand-new Buick!”

We all cracked up so hard, I almost ran off the road!

Do I still think it would be the dream job?

Not only no…but hell no!

First of all, since then, I’ve had to change dirty diapers…and I about gagged every time!  I’m not saying that I would expect some women’s coochies to smell like that…but it wouldn’t surprise me if some did!

Secondly, we live in a very legalized society where people want to sue people for any possible reason including made-up ones.  Who’s to say that Sally Rottencrotch wouldn’t go in to an appointment with Dr. Frankenstein, and end up saying that he did weird experiments on her fruit-of-the-womb?  He could be the best dang gynecologist in the nation, and she the worst scum of the earth in said nation!

I was just informed by a woman I work with that when a guy-necologist is doing a pelvic exam, pap-smear, a wash, a rinse, or a wax, he has to have a female from the medical staff present.  That sounds good, on the surface.  But we live in times where lesbians are included in everyday encounters to include doctor offices.  Heck, how do we know that both the doctor and nurse are not doing a coin toss in there or some other bizarre activity?

The purpose of my article is not to make women and their family members worry about their OB-GYN doctors…but I feel it does seem worthy of bearing in mind.

On the same token, we men have to be worried similarly about who does our prostate examinations.  Does he have small hands?  Or does he have ham hocks?  What if he has both hands on our shoulders while he is supposedly examining us?

It just goes to show you that no one is safe in today’s strange and modern world!

Advertisements

The Busy-ness of Writing!

Image

Since I was a teenager, I’ve always DREAMED of being a writer.  Little did I know just how much work was involved.  I thought to myself, after becoming a journalist:  “Certainly being a book writer can’t be much busier than this.”  Man, was I wrong!

Shortly after I got out of the Marines, I researched what it took to become an author of fiction books.  I found out that it involved sending hundreds, if not thousands, of query letters to publishers and agents in order to either secure a book deal, or at least representation for such.  But those were the old days.  

Then came the dawn of self-publishing!  

I suddenly realized it was a brave new world for anyone who wanted to make their dream come true.  Unlike regular tradition, anyone who possessed enough money for the investment could pay to have their book made into reality.  There were no letters to send out.  No one you had to impress.  

The good thing about this was obvious.  Talented writers, who had previously not received a fair opportunity, and who had a great story to tell, could now get it out there and share it with the reading public.  Unfortunately, the downside of this was that some people who had no business writing a book would put — what many avid readers would consider — complete garbage on the market.  And then you had everything in between.  Thus, readers found themselves becoming much more selective and careful when making their purchases; and they found themselves publicly sharing their opinions (via the internet mostly) freely and liberally with any who would listen.

Just when it seemed that the writing revolution had played its last card, then came the ebook revolution.  Now anyone could suddenly write a book for free!  And the same thing as above happened once again, only this time in a new electronic format.

The main thing that all of these methods of publishing have in common is the writing itself.  And, if you do this correctly, this will keep you super busy in the very beginning.  Effective writers conduct research and schedule and keep interviews with key people who can give them helpful information for the books they write.  So here you have only three vastly time consuming duties in the single duty of writing.

As for the various ways of becoming published, there are advantages and disadvantages to each avenue.  I’ve never traditionally published myself, but I’ve heard that, the advantages in this classic way of publishing far outweigh the disadvantages.   For example, most traditional publishers will pay you up front to begin writing your book.  With the investment being made on the front end, the publishers make their money as your books begin and continue to sell on the market.  If they end up receiving a return on investment, then you can almost bet they will offer you another book deal.  If not, then there is always flipping burgers or dancing topless (or maybe both simultaneously…though I would not much recommend this!).  

As for the disadvantages of traditional publishing, many stories abound about how writers suggested a certain look to their cover and were totally blown off by the production team.  It is sad there is little creative control unless it is somehow written into the contract beforehand.  

As for self-publishing, it is about totally flipped upside down as compared to traditional publishing.  No one produces your book until you pay them.  Usually they will give you a lot of leeway in creativity.  Because of the usual steep investment required in self-publishing, most companies give you a lot of creative controls for your money.  

When it comes to ebook publishing, it is basically the best of both worlds, but without the final proud moment of holding a physical book in your hand.  You have complete creative control over everything.  And it costs basically nothing other than time (unless you pay someone to design your book cover) to produce your book and publish it to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and various other publishers / booksellers out there.  

The biggest thing I have discovered about both self-publishing and ebook publishing is that in the end, writing the book seemed to be the easiest aspect of the process.  The hardest part, that which I never bargained for, lay in the marketing required for making any sort of profit.  I’m totally new to the process, but I am becoming very savvy very quickly as I post constant updates on Facebook, Twitter, and other various social media websites out there.  With traditional publishing, this is one headache that many writers are thankful to avoid.  And for this, I am very jealous of them.  

Many of you probably ask:  Was it all worth it in the end?  I cannot honestly answer this, because I haven’t yet reached the end…whatever the end happens to be.  Hell, maybe I end up doing an imitation of the King of Rock and Roll and end up dying on the toilet — not exactly the end I’m wanting, but okay.  Or maybe I become the next best thing to Tom Clancy.  Now, there we go!

What I can surely tell you is that quite a bit goes into writing a book, no matter how you do it…especially if you want to make any kind of money for doing so.  

Successful Writer, My Ass!

A couple weeks after leaving my family, I’ve decided to embark on weekly visits to a local social club in town to hopefully meet friends, and influence people to consider purchasing my book.  The fore-mentioned part of this objective was a success last Saturday night.  But the latter seems to be yet an unrealized dream (rolling my eyes!).

I met a fellow Marine who seemed to know quite a few people at a couple of different social places in the same shopping center.  And he introduced me to them.  At one point, he introduced me as a “successful writer”.  But me — being the humble soul I am — corrected him, stating:  “I’m not successful yet.”

But being ever the good optimist, he argued:  “Your book is on Amazon, isn’t it?”

I nodded.

“Then you are a success.”

Successful writer, my ass, I thought to myself.  Until I can sustain myself properly and completely off my writing royalties, I am reluctant to call myself successful.  It has been nearly a month, since I have sold my novel at all.  I sold one e-book copy each on Amazon and Barnes & Noble one month ago for a total royalty of $6.99.  The idea of someone living off of a mere six dollars and ninety-nine cents in this fucked economy is laughable!  But this is what it means to be a struggling writer.  And I will proudly do it in an effort to pay my dues as a hopeful prelude to something much bigger and better in the just as hopeful near future.

However, it is good just to have a friend to boost my own fragile ego.  But how good is this new friend of mine?  After having just met him, he seems like a good enough fellow.  He has shared his network of fun-loving carousers with me and opened up the potential for me to make new friends as a bachelor once again.  He’s offered to buy me drinks that — had I not been liquored up enough — I would have gladly accepted!  And he doesn’t really appear to be one who is too judgmental; after all, he took the time to defend my lack of success or at least put it into a more positive perspective.

As you read this, you probably wonder to yourself, what the hell does it matter?  At least you have made a new friend.  And if this is what you are thinking, you are probably right!

I guess that the last thing I want to do is go around feeling that I’ve reached my plateau.  Because I refuse to believe that this mole-hill on which I’m currently trudging around is anything bigger than what it truly is.  I want to conquer the Everest of successes in writing.  I want to climb the same mountain that other, more successful writers have climbed…writers like Twain, Poe, Hemingway, Fleming, and Clancy!

And it is hard for me to masquerade as something that I am not, even if — by the definition of others — I am.  Then again, maybe that is what I am doing wrong.  Maybe by telling others that I am not yet successful, this turns them away from even desiring to purchase my book.  After all, isn’t there some saying that for others to believe in you, you first have to believe in yourself?

But how easy is it to believe in yourself when what little monthly income you receive will not even cover a gallon of milk?  But I suppose it is all in how you perceive it.

In summary, I guess I would much rather be successful by my own definition.  Success by my definition would have me at least being able to afford a gallon of milk a month after this supposed price increase due to economic doom and gloom.  Hell, by my own definition of success, I may even be able to buy my own damned cow (grinning).