Tag Archives: comedy

Raw, Raving Review: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

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The latest “Hobbit” movie, The Battle of the Five Armies, is a tremendously excellent movie with very cool, and sometimes even humorous, action sequences.  There is also no doubt that this is probably the most epic film to be released over the holiday season.  And Legolas / Orlando Bloom fans are in for a real treat as his portrayal is not only massively impressive, but downright entertaining.

This film has all sorts of elements that make it very memorable.  It has action, adventure, comedy, romance, intrigue, and tragedy.  The only problem I had with the film is that it moved a little bit slowly through the middle hour of the film or so.  But this was to be expected by any Tolkien fans who have read his famous novel, The Hobbit.

All actors did a fabulous job of enacting their roles.  Martin Freeman and Ian McKellen reprised their roles as Bilbo Baggins and Gandolf the Grey.  Richard Armitage adeptly portrayed a Dwarven king who had to choose between wealth and the loyalty of those who served him throughout all three movies in the franchise.  Evangeline Lilly portrayed a brave elf warrior who encountered friction over the love she felt for one of the dwarves.  And finally, Luke Evans did a wonderful job as Bard, the man tasked with fighting a dragon that had totally destroyed his personal township.

The set was massive and the effects truly wonderful.  I highly recommend this film to those who enjoy fantasy and adventure films.  I give The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies four out of five stars.

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Rude & Crude = The New Conservative?

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Many of you may have been shocked by my trailer for “The Saint Who Stole Christmas” when you came to the imagery of Santa Claus flipping off the camera and sitting with a half-naked woman in his lap while each hold an alcoholic beverage in their hands.  But the bottom line is this:  If Santa Claus was real, he’d be shitting his red and white robes!  He’d be the punchline of the joke:  “What’s red and white and shitty all over?”.  Think about it!  The world economy is not what it used to be 30 years ago.  Even HE would have to cut some corners to pull off Christmas with elves, reindeer, and flights up and down chimneys.

Some may condemn my choice of photos for my trailer by saying:  “Phil, you suck the joy right out of Christmas!”  To them, I remind them that Christmas is  more seriously about Jesus Christ, not Santa Claus.  To this, they may say:  “What do you think Jesus would think of your trailer?”  To them, I say:  “I hope he likes it…after all, He is the one who blessed me with the concept of the story and the talent to write it.”  Furthermore, they may remind me that I should be ashamed of myself.  To this, I tell them:  “No…you should be ashamed of yourself.  Stop taking things so damned seriously and enjoy life for a change, while you still have it.  And don’t judge others.  Judgment is mine, said the Lord.”

Folks, this is the only lifetime we have to live.  Why not enjoy it to the fullest?  Live and laugh a little and stop worrying about the activities of others.

And I am quite honored to remind you of the most important thing about today:  “Rude and Crude” is the new “Conservative”.

You can tell this just by watching a crap load of movies, one right after the other.  For example, check out this scene from “From Dusk Till Dawn”:

That was from a long time ago!  But here is something more recent if not just a tad bit longer.  Please meet Hank Moody from “Californication”:

So what if I enjoy a little bit of Quinton Tarantino from time to time!  I still stand up against abortion and disagree with amnesty for illegal immigrants.  The bottom line is that I know which things need to be taken more seriously…and everything else just falls into my entertainment category.

So please forgive me if Santa in compromised poses and situations offends you.  But I just figured I would let my hair down when I wrote that story.  So I also did the same when I created the trailer for it.  If you haven’t seen it yet, it is the post just before this one.  And if you don’t like the trailer, then please don’t buy the damned book.  It’s that simple…it’s not rocket science.

Raped by Dr. Huxtable?

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Say it isn’t so!  Television’s Man of the Year for every year in the 1980s involved in another rape scandal!  No way!

Upon hearing about this, I felt about as empty as I did when I found out that Kurt Cobain, Michael Hutchence, and Robin Williams had all killed themselves.  But Cosby is still alive and kicking!

He always comes off as some intelligent, witty, funny, wise, and even kind man.  Has he fooled all of us?  Or maybe he is all of these things now, but has not always been.

At least three women have accused Cosby of drugging them and allowing his dark serpent to roam their secret gardens while they were out of it.  Who would have ever guessed that one of America’s most-loved and most-successful comedians would ever have been accused of stooping so low?

I personally love Cosby!  I would love to sit down for a beer or two with him.  But is there really any merit to these accusations?  Part of me hopes that this is another case of bitter, broke people jumping on the band wagon to legal riches.  But the other part of me makes me wonder if there is any true fire to all the smoke that seems to be lingering around on the issue.

What do you guys think?  My readers rarely ever post comments, even though I wish you would.  But I hope to hear at least some of your thoughts on all of this.

Curiosity and Lack of Patience Breed Sarcasm and More Lack of Patience

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Andrew Dice Clay once conveyed in one of his stand-up comedy routines about how someone came up behind him at the end of the line and asked:  “Is this the end of the line?”  To the best of my memory, he replied something like, “No, snapperhead!  This is the front of the line and we’re all standing here backwards.”

My wife family and I were standing in line at Customer Service in a major retailer last night.  There were several people in line ahead of us.  And after about close to 10 minutes, I realized that the line had not moved and looked up at the guy who was standing at the counter where all the rest of us wanted to be.  Under my breath, I said to my wife:  “What the hell!  Is the guy trying to return an adopted child?”

She snickered, and I continued on in my rant, imitating the reaction of the customer service people behind the counter:  “Oh, HELL no!  We don’t want that little bastard back…”

I find myself now looking back, wondering why I made such a rather rude observation and suggestion about an otherwise innocent situation.  And I can only surmise that the curiosity of what was taking the fellow so long, combined with my own lack of patience, only served to make me sarcastic and even more impatient.  It wasn’t that I have a hatred or dislike of “adopted children”.  The fellow being served at the counter may have been a perfectly nice gentleman.  But because we were all standing there excessively long, I — and maybe others — targeted him with my most impatient and possibly bitter thoughts.

On a good note, at least I found a way that my wife and I found some kind of humor in a rather boring situation.

Character Reveal: Cliff

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Cliff is a disgraced paranormal investigator who once had his own television show on the Discovery Channel.  But when its ratings started to decline, Cliff’s associate producer talked him into using props to steal some ratings back.  But when the same “friend” turned around and blew the whistle on him, claiming no involvement himself, Cliff’s show was tanked.  And all funds that would have been used to produce future episodes was diverted to the very one who betrayed him.

Now, most people who know of him hold him in contempt of honor.  They feel he is a joke and a coward for having attempted to take the easy way out and doing it in such an insulting and deceptive manner.  But he does still have a few loyal supporters.  It is one of these supporters who gives him the opportunity to salvage his reputation by permitting him to take point an a very important investigation in Montgomery, Alabama: the “Girl on the Highway”.