How to Get 250 Pounds of Shit into a 10-Pound Bag!

fat ass

Some people need to be really honest with themselves.

…really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY honest with themselves.

I have nothing against people being overweight.  After all, I am more than 50 pounds overweight myself.  I have sense enough to know that I cannot fit into the same clothes I used to fit into when I was 25 years younger, and a studly Marine at that!  The image I would convey in that clothing would be laughable at best…just like the picture I have posted above.

I shared this picture on my personal Facebook page (philsanderson1967 for those of you who wish to befriend me on Facebook); and some of the most hilarious comments started rolling in.  The purpose of this article is to share the humor.  And if you happen to be the poor, ignorant soul in the above picture, please forgive me for having a little fun at your expense.  But you kinda brought this one on yourself when you literally squeezed miraculously into those hootchy shorts.

I originally posted:   Oh! So THAT’S how to get 200 pounds of shit into a 10-pound bag.

My wife posted:  Omg! And I was about to eat breakfast! Barf!

I replied:  How can I maintain my composure as I helplessly shake that image of that poor example of poor fashion — tramp-stamp and all! — out of my poor noggin’?

My friend, Jason, stated:  That took a lot of butter to get those shorts on.

My friend, Mike, simply posted a pic that couldn’t have conveyed his feelings.

family guy

My friend and loyal reader, Pam, commented:  I would have had to called the police for indecent exposure. That is just nasty. Some people need mirrors that will tell them not no but hell no!

My friend, Robert, typed, “Ha” and posted the following picture:

moist

My friend, Sean, posted:  Dang…. one good fart and those shorts are gone!!!!!

As you can see, this post managed to gather some pretty interesting remarks from a bunch of Facebook friends who clearly were not impressed at all by the lack of fashion sense of our unknowing customer.  My wife also posted the same photo and got quite a bit more remarks, too many to actually list here.  Here are some of the funnier ones:

  1. And to think she’s ordering food.
  2. Those poor shorts.
  3. You mean, this doesn’t make you want a muffin?
  4. biscuits
  5. Walking behind her should warrant hazardous duty.
  6. It’s a commercial for the world’s strongest zipper!!!! Or button!!!

So if you are a person of questionable fashion capability, please keep all these comments in mind before you show more of your body than you REALLY need to.

Note:  No cotton was utterly destroyed during the writing of this article; though it most certainly wished it had never come into being!  

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Understanding is Not ‘ASS’epting

head up ass

How many of you work with people that you have to listen to?  And of these people that you have to listen to, how many of them think they know what they are doing but simply just don’t have a clue?

Nothing is more irritating than failing because the people responsible over you simply will not LISTEN to you.

In my humble opinion, one of the top 10 best books ever written is the late Dr. Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Please notice the habit that I have highlighted out of the entire list:

Habit One:  Be Proactive

Habit Two:  Begin with the End in Mind

Habit Three:  Keep First Things First

Habit Four:  Think Win – Win

Habit Five:  Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood

Habit Six:  Synergize

Habit Seven:  Sharpen the Saw

Maybe one of these days, I will post about all 7 Habits, keeping it brief enough that you don’t bust your laptop up with your head after having fallen asleep next to that cup of coffee you may not have finished along with such a long article.  But right now, I simply highlight this particular habit, because it is one that many of those leaders — legendary in their own minds — somehow miss the bus on.

I’ll give you a perfect example.  I have worked for leaders who have watched me fail over and over again at the same task.  I’ve asked for their help in obtaining training to improve the specific task, and they pretend that I never even bothered to ask.  Then, eventually, I end up getting written up for poor work performance in that task.

First of all, and foremost, a REAL leader CARES about and RESPECTS his people.  Caring and respecting, in my humble opinion, means taking the time to get to know each and every one of your fellow workers.  If something seems to be bothering one of them, simply ask them if everything is okay.  And when they answer, don’t allow yourself to become sidetracked by your own personal thoughts and concerns.  FOCUS on THEM.  Don’t just PRETEND to care…REALLY CARE!  Find a way to alleviate their concerns.  If they are having family problems, suggest they take some time off from work if they can afford to do so.  BE supportive to the VERY BEST of your ability.

Some of us, by nature, may be selfish; but if we exercise this level of care, time, and attention to others time and time again, our efforts will eventually become legitimate, transforming us from a self-centered brat into something much more meaningful in the lives of others, not just our own minds as is the case with many ineffective leaders in the professional world.

You have some who are simply too old school to understand this.  They fool themselves into thinking:  If they are terrified of me, they will perform their jobs and tasks out of fear of punishment that may even include termination of employment.  They simply do not see the forest for all the trees.  They fail to see that, even if these people — simply trying to survive to feed their families and make a fair wage — end up getting fired, there are other employers who are more fair and will hire them, succeeding in tapping the very resources that these other ass-hats were too dumb and inconsiderate to fully access.

Dr. Covey also directed attention to a philosophical thinker named Goethe who said:  “If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.”

If these idiots would take the time to extract their heads from their over-stretched asses, then they would actually realize that all of this makes PERFECT sense.  If they would stop TERRORIZING their subordinates and instead start EMPATHIZING with them, then they would reap so much more from them!  Most important of all, they will have earned the best thing from them that even money cannot buy:  THEIR DEEPEST AND MOST SINCERE RESPECT!

Raw, Raving Review: Taken 3

taken 3

[Spoiler Warning!]

Age does not seem to be stopping Liam Neeson from kicking on-screen booty!  If anything, it seems as if it adds to his teen angst and serves to make any male viewer even think once about ever crossing the actor.

The plot for this particular sequel is a bit of a downer as the main character, Bryan Mills, ends up losing his ex-wife, Lenore (Famke Janssen), in a bizarre murder in which he had been framed.  The two of them, throughout the series, have had a roller coaster of feelings for each other, so the scene plays out really tragically.

As a result, the police — led by Franck Dotzler (Forest Whitaker) — are on his heels throughout the entire first part of the film.  But Mills remains one step ahead and only gets captured when he wants to be.

Maggie Grace returns once again to reprise her roll as Mill’s daughter, Kim, who is now pregnant and very terrified, not only because of her new life situation but also dealing with the tragedy of her mom.

There are also a host of baddies in this one.  Dougray Scott portrays Stuart St. John, Lenore’s husband who actually had the cahones to request that our dark hero stop having any type of contact with his wife due to the couple’s marital difficulties.  But the viewers can easily see that Bryan and Lenore clearly still loved each other before they died.

This movie has a nice plot, complete with a twist that — even though it was quite predictable — seemed to create a cool sort of tension and anxiety for all viewers to enjoy.

There were some parts of the film that moved a bit slowly; but this was expected, due to the tragic nature of the story.  The only thing I wasn’t completely happy with about this sequel was the ending.  To me, I did not feel at all satisfied.  But I can understand, because they left it open for yet another sequel.  No one can really fault the producers for chalking one up for job security, can they?  After all, we live in a world where nothing is certain except death and taxes.  And it appears that Mr. Neeson is fully capable of delivering both on and off screen.

In a Perfect World…

tennisbutt

In a perfect world, we would all be in good health and working in perfect jobs!  I, for one, would be a bestselling author on the New York Times list and would be a poster board of perfect mental health.

My case has always been very tricky.  I am an adult living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.  I have had an average of no less than one job a year, since I got my first job in 1985.  And when I have tried to get understanding about my fine mess I’m in, I’ve been told several times:  “Phil, you cannot use A.D.H.D. as a crutch.”  The truth of the matter is that if I had been using it as a crutch, I would have shoved it so far up their asses that no other crutch would ever help them to walk again!

Chief among my problems are inability to concentrate for long periods of time; I also tend to be very impulsive (in one case it got me fired!); I am extremely forgetful; I tend to misplace things (and this makes me look very irresponsible when serving as a manager!); I also tend to misread my work schedules, and one time failed to show up as scheduled; and most tragically, most of the time when a supervisor gives me instructions, I somehow end up not comprehending all of it and totally butchering the whole task.  All of this, in combination really serves to make me look like an unprofessional idiot.

Some people talk so fast that I think to myself — SLOW DOWN, I’M NOT GETTING ANY OF THIS!  Social situations are awkward for me when I see someone I’ve recently met.  Because I cannot remember their names, I am unable to make an introduction.  So I instead say to my wife or daughter:  “I’d love to introduce you to that person over there, but I cannot remember his name.”

All of these are common symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.  And sure as bird-shit on a windshield wiper, I HAVE IT, DAMMIT!

1

In two most recent cases, I’ve had a doctor at the Veterans Affairs hospital in Montgomery, Alabama and one of my bosses both tell me:  “Phil, you are able to write books; you do not have any real problems.”

Saying that I do not have ADHD, is like someone saying that Beethoven wasn’t really deaf, since he continued to compose music after becoming so.  It’s, without a doubt, sheer stupidity, ignorance, and severe lack of empathy for those less fortunate.  People with conditions and disabilities learn to adapt to their situation.  But they are still at a severe disadvantage even after doing so.

Sure, I wrote a book!  But even to this day, I can find sentences that I could have written better.  It took me several drafts before I finally got it write (which is not totally uncommon for most writers, since none of us are perfect).  But at one point in my plot line for 2018: An Uncivil War, I forgot a minor detail that caused me a major amount of revision that took a couple of weeks to straighten out.  Another key difference between succeeding in a normal day-by-day job and writing a book is that — as a new writer who is not making much at all off my writing — a book does not possess the ability to fire me, taking away whatever key source of income I have coming into my household.  A book is a lot more flexible.  I can reread it, and change it as necessary.  When I make a major mistake at work, it is not as easy to correct.  And bosses have a much better memory than the books I write.  So all I can do is try to do the best I can in spite of myself.

Sure!  I have many different coping mechanisms.  For example, I habitually try to keep things I use frequently in the same place at all times when I am not using them.  When I first meet a person, I try to repeat their names several times when talking to them in hopes that it will stick in my head and come to me when I see their face again in the future.  Sometimes, if something is important enough, I may put a shoe in my bathroom sink to remind me that I have to address it.  And sometimes I have to make myself finish a task before moving on to something else.

Basically, being a person with this condition is like being a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

I can take medication to eliminate much of this static; Vyvanse works the best for me, by far.  But even then, there will still be one or two symptoms that will manage to slip in to rear their ugly heads once more.

So, if you are responsible for or to someone — maybe a worker or a family member — with any type of attention deficit disorder, please don’t accuse them of using it as a crutch.  Life already sucks enough for them because of this condition; no need to add insult to injury.  Instead, try to be more understanding and accommodating.  If you do so, I truly believe God will bless you for it in the end.