What is your first thought when you notice bright lights flashing in your rear-view mirror after you have been speeding? Mine is a four-letter expletive: “Sh!t”! But the next thought after that is always: “Pleasssse! Drive past me…you do not want me…you want someone up ahead of me.”
Usually, I have been very lucky when this has happened. Usually, the government cruisers end up speeding by with nary a glance. But then there have been the unfortunate times when they have pulled into the lane directly right behind me and stayed with me until I finally moved over to a stop. It was during these times that I knew exactly what I had done wrong. I can probably count on one hand how many times this has happened to me. What about you?
When they have come up to my window, they almost always ask: “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over today?” I am usually tempted to give one of three responses: nice, sarcastic, or hostile. My nice response is: “Because you care about my safety and that of others, Officer.” But I always never use that, because it reeks of bullshit. My sarcastic response, “Because you are trying to reach your quota before your shift ends,” will surely gain me no forgiveness for my extremely impatient and heavy foot. And the hostile response is sure to get me a trip to the station: “Because you’re a total fu%&ing douche bag!”
But in a more realistic world, I use either an honest or dishonest answer…the fore mentioned being: “Because I was driving a little fast.” Or the latter answer: “No, sir. I have no idea why you pulled me over.”
Policemen have heard and seen all sorts of crazy responses from drivers after being pulled over. Here is a list of the worst ones:
- “A drunk guy told me he was pregnant then urinated all over himself claiming his water broke.” — Bryan Turner
- I stopped a girl with all the Goth black stuff on herself and little figurines on her dash. I asked what is all this stuff. She said,” I’m a Wicka.” I said “A what?” She goes “You know, a witch.” I said “Oh yeah.” Then she asks “are you giving me a ticket”? I said “yes, I am.” She said “I’ll put a spell on you. I told her “too late. My ex-wife beat you to it.” — Dave Simpson
- DRIVER: My buddy, who is a police officer, is gonna kill me!
OFFICER: Who is your buddy?
DRIVER: David Pollino!
OFFICER: Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him!
DRIVER: You bet Officer, I will do exactly that!
I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you?
OFFICER: Just waiting for my thanks.
DRIVER: I don’t understand!
OFFICER: Can you read, ma’am? Can you read my name tag out loud?
DRIVER: Officer! Sgt. David Pollino!
OFFICER: Ma’am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks. — David Pollino
- “Oh I thought the sign I 95 meant the speed limit …glad you didn’t catch me over on SR 210 earlier..” — Andy Young
- “I wasn’t speeding, I just got a haircut and it makes me look fast.” — Timber Bear
- It snowed 6-inches and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30. Stopped her and she very matter-of-fact told me, “Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I’m going!!!!” — Rhonada Olson Sclavi
- I checked a 17-year-old kid on I-71 near MP91 just south of Grove City, Ohio at 101 MPH. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer 2-door. When I told him I checked him at 101, he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85 MPH. Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was “my speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor.” — Darwin Justice
- One of my cop friends told me a story: he pulled over a couple for speeding, asked why the driver (male) was speeding. The male said his wife (the passenger) was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine (even though he knew the truth) and followed them to the hospital to “make sure everything went alright”. When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didnt write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough. — Matt Mues
- “My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I’m on my way to get it fixed!” — Paula Ulibarri
- “I have a cold and when I cough, my foot mashes the pedal….” — John Aiello
- I stopped a guy for doing 71 in a 50 because he wanted to get to McDonald’s before the breakfast menu ended! — Brian Eugene Jones
- I had someone tell me that he put too much oil in the engine of his vehicle, and he had to drive really fast to burn the extra roll out. — David Cox
- I was told by a lady her accelerator was broken and it always went that fast, no matter what — Eric Mosso
Now here is a list of better excuses:
- Pulled over a Corvette doing 100 in 55zone. Late at night on highway, no traffic. I told the driver, “You were flying, unless you have a pilot’s license, you are going to jail”. Yes, he handed me a pilot license…yes, I let him go. — Chuck Ervin
- I stopped a lady who was crying when I walked up. I asked what the problem was. She said she had gone shopping for the first time after having a baby and nothing fit right. I handed her her license back and slowly backed away. Nothing good was coming from this! — Cookie Crumbles
- “I was just keeping the 2 second buffer time between me and the car behind me”. “There was no one behind you…” “Good job, huh?” — Scott Mainardy
- “The box says ‘If you have an erection over 4 hours, see your doctor IMMEDIATELY!'” — Scott Tyler
- “I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying.” — Aaron Roberts
- A 17-year-old was going 23 over. When I asked him why he was going so fast, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Because I’m just all kinds of stupid”. -— Billy Graves
- I got tagged for doing 54 in a 45 years back. The officer laughed when he told me and I said that my dyslexia was acting up again. — Scott Russell
I’ve always personally found that if you are completely honest with the officers who pull you over, they are sometimes more inclined to be lenient on you. There is no use pleading insanity parked at the side of the road! You’d have to be absolutely nuts to do something like that!
Note: These 20 excuses were borrowed from “The Question“. Thanks to the author for sharing this humorous info!