Urban Decay

storage

A place to keep other’s belongings…my childhood home…

The place where my Dad and I once happily roamed.  

Four levels, a sundeck, and a courtyard that used to be…

Reduced to nothing more than a Memphis memory.

 

The elevator we used to ride….it certainly had its quirks.

It used to quake and hum…now it no longer works.

Climbed steps up to the old apartment…found no reason, no rhyme.

What once was a door and window, now replaced by metal blinds.

 

Due to “unsafe conditions”, I could not climb the old deck.

What about historic preservation?  Why’s it all a wreck?

On the deck, I used to gawk down at the swimming pool.

I imagined taking a swan dive, imagining it so very cool!

 

The water below, now a mound of dirt, barren as cold hearts…

Those who relocated tenants, the spirit of those that still departs.

As a child, music filled the courtyard while others lounged, tanned, or swam.

Those who see the current scene remember it as it once was, and say: “Damn!”

 

People used to live here, where junk lies in lifeless, lonely compartments.

Neighbors we knew and loved lived in what used to be homey apartments.

All replaced by boxes, books, trinkets, furniture, and things no one can sell…

The storage facility, unable to evict the memories, may have sold their soul to hell. 

You Are All Cordially Invited!

Cover

If you live in Alabama, Tennessee, Florida, Georgia, or Mississippi, I cordially invite you to attend my 2018: An Uncivil War book signing within the next several weeks.  It is being held at the Main Branch of the Montgomery City and County Public Library system, the Juliette Hampton Morgan Memorial Library.  For more details, please see the Facebook link before and indicate whether or not you will be attending.  If you are not on Facebook, you can post a comment here indicating whether or not you wish to attend.  

https://www.facebook.com/events/542859669151912/

Being my very first novel, this book holds a very dear place in my heart and will always do so for years to come.  If you live close-by to Montgomery, but do not wish to purchase the book, please come by to show your support.  I will not try to twist your arm but will instead thank you for showing up.  If you have already purchased a copy of the book, please come by to get your printed copy signed.  I am also planning on having a way to autograph digital photos for those of you who have purchased the e-book version.  I’m not promising that I will be able to do so, but that possibility is there.  

For those of you who wish to purchase printed copies online and reading them prior to the event, you can purchase them here:  

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000653794/2018-An-Uncivil-War.aspx

The link above will also give you the option to purchase the book in soft-cover and e-book formats.  But I encourage you to follow the link on the Novels Page of my Official Website to purchase the e-book for a dollar cheaper than you can on theirs.

Thank all of you for your continued support of me and my work.  God bless you guys!   

 

So Very Proud of My Daughter!

I’m so very proud of my daughter, Isabella!  She made a 100 on her science project where she had to diagram the various parts of a cell.  Her mother spearheaded the whole effort, so I am very thankful and envious of her (for her sheer brilliance!) as well.  It took them both several days to complete.  I hate to admit that I was practically useless in the whole effort…my idea of labeling a cell would be:  Cot…metal door with bars…stainless steel toilet…roommate who wants to beat the crap outta me for cigarettes.  

Here’s a picture of the final product…and — yes! — that is jello in the middle of it all.  

cell

Rated NR for Nude Titty

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I never really knew the fascination between nudist camps and nude beaches.  I used to think that maybe it was all just perversion gone wild.  

According to Wikipedia, naturism is “a cultural and political movement practicing, advocating and defending social nudity, most of which takes place on private property. The term may also refer to a lifestyle based on personal, family and/or social nudism.”

If you break the term down to its most basic components, it obviously stems from the term: nature.  For example “au natural”.  Nature being as we once were before the fig leaf covered all our pink parts!

I used to think that the only people who would have enough guts to go to a nudist camp or a nude beach were those who were blessed with impressive physical endowments (e.g. “Did you see the shitter on that critter!”; “He’s more hung than Saddam Hussein!”; “Check out the rack on Raquel!”; etc.).  I used to believe that those who were less endowed willfully and stubbornly avoided such places (e.g. “If you happen to see Annie’s Ass, please let her know…she’s obviously lost it somewhere.”; “Dude, a flea packs more beef than Barry…”; “Judith is all nipple and no mound!”.  I used to think:  Why would such individuals go to such a place where their innermost privacy would be exposed like a Babe Ruth candy bar in a swimming pool.  

But when I was in the Marine Corps, a buddy told me:  “Let’s go to Blacks Beach.”  He then explained that it was a nude beach near San Diego.  I asked him:  “Now why would I want to go to a nude beach?”  He said:  “You like nude women, don’t you?”  I nodded.  “A little bit too much.  What am I supposed to do…walk up to one of them with my hand extended.  ‘Hey, there…I’m Phil.’  And then look down and tell her:  ‘Oh, don’t mind me.  I’m just glad to be here.'”  

So the whole idea of the nude beach was lost on me at that moment.  And I then realized that body type and characteristic details didn’t really play in too well as far as nude beaches were concerned.  I never have gone to a nude beach or nudist colony.  And I never will.  I would never be able to keep a straight face in such places, and my eyes would be wandering around more than Johnny Cash once did.

Perhaps another reason why I never liked nude beaches and nudist colonies was similar to my reasons for preferring regular night clubs over strip clubs.  When I was single, I preferred action over being teased.  At strip clubs — as is probably the case at nude beaches and nudist camps or colonies — you can look, but not touch.  What was the point in getting hot and bothered if you did not have an outlet to release your excitement?  At regular night clubs, you may not have been able to see under the clothes, but at least you may or may not get that option if you happened to strike up a good encounter with an attractive person.  And the outlet would soon enough be forthcoming.  

I’ve heard from others that the point of nude beaches, nude colonies, and nude camps is not necessarily to get laid.  For example, some people go to nude beaches for the simple fact they don’t like tan lines.  And some go to the other two places to be social.  But how do you strike up such a conversation in those places.  “Here, have a seat and join me. And we can talk about the first thing that pops up.”  Then, all of a sudden…BOING!  “So, please tell me:  What is your favorite summer sausage?”

I don’t entirely buy it that no one goes to these places to not get laid.  God has cursed us with hormones.  So when we see something we like, we usually go after it with all the gusto of a dog going after the leg of a newly-introduced house guest.  Do they even put warnings on these nudist institutions that warn people of the fact that bareness is a bare necessity?  Heck, even television shows these days warn you:  “The following is rated NR for Nude Titty.”

 

Pleading Insanity for Speeding?

police pull over

What is your first thought when you notice bright lights flashing in your rear-view mirror after you have been speeding?  Mine is a four-letter expletive:  “Sh!t”!  But the next thought after that is always:  “Pleasssse!  Drive past me…you do not want me…you want someone up ahead of me.”

Usually, I have been very lucky when this has happened.  Usually, the government cruisers end up speeding by with nary a glance.  But then there have been the unfortunate times when they have pulled into the lane directly right behind me and stayed with me until I finally moved over to a stop.  It was during these times that I knew exactly what I had done wrong.  I can probably count on one hand how many times this has happened to me.  What about you?  

When they have come up to my window, they almost always ask:  “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over today?”  I am usually tempted to give one of three responses:  nice, sarcastic, or hostile.  My nice response is:  “Because you care about my safety and that of others, Officer.”  But I always never use that, because it reeks of bullshit.  My sarcastic response, “Because you are trying to reach your quota before your shift ends,” will surely gain me no forgiveness for my extremely impatient and heavy foot.  And the hostile response is sure to get me a trip to the station:  “Because you’re a total fu%&ing douche bag!”

But in a more realistic world, I use either an honest or dishonest answer…the fore mentioned being:  “Because I was driving a little fast.”  Or the latter answer:  “No, sir.  I have no idea why you pulled me over.”

Policemen have heard and seen all sorts of crazy responses from drivers after being pulled over.  Here is a list of the worst ones:

  1. “A drunk guy told me he was pregnant then urinated all over himself claiming his water broke.” — Bryan Turner
  2. I stopped a girl with all the Goth black stuff on herself and little figurines on her dash. I asked what is all this stuff. She said,” I’m a Wicka.” I said “A what?” She goes “You know, a witch.” I said “Oh yeah.” Then she asks “are you giving me a ticket”? I said “yes, I am.” She said “I’ll put a spell on you. I told her “too late. My ex-wife beat you to it.” — Dave Simpson
  3. DRIVER: My buddy, who is a police officer, is gonna kill me!
    OFFICER: Who is your buddy? 
    DRIVER: David Pollino! 
    OFFICER: Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him! 
    DRIVER: You bet Officer, I will do exactly that! 
    I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you? 
    OFFICER: Just waiting for my thanks. 
    DRIVER: I don’t understand! 
    OFFICER: Can you read, ma’am? Can you read my name tag out loud?
    DRIVER: Officer! Sgt. David Pollino! 
    OFFICER: Ma’am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks. — David Pollino
  4. “Oh I thought the sign I 95 meant the speed limit …glad you didn’t catch me over on SR 210 earlier..” — Andy Young
  5. “I wasn’t speeding, I just got a haircut and it makes me look fast.” — Timber Bear
  6. It snowed 6-inches and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30. Stopped her and she very matter-of-fact told me, “Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I’m going!!!!” — Rhonada Olson Sclavi
  7. I checked a 17-year-old kid on I-71 near MP91 just south of Grove City, Ohio at 101 MPH. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer 2-door. When I told him I checked him at 101, he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85 MPH. Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was “my speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor.” — Darwin Justice
  8. One of my cop friends told me a story: he pulled over a couple for speeding, asked why the driver (male) was speeding. The male said his wife (the passenger) was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine (even though he knew the truth) and followed them to the hospital to “make sure everything went alright”. When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didnt write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough. — Matt Mues
  9. “My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I’m on my way to get it fixed!” — Paula Ulibarri
  10. “I have a cold and when I cough, my foot mashes the pedal….” — John Aiello
  11. I stopped a guy for doing 71 in a 50 because he wanted to get to McDonald’s before the breakfast menu ended! — Brian Eugene Jones
  12. I had someone tell me that he put too much oil in the engine of his vehicle, and he had to drive really fast to burn the extra roll out. — David Cox
  13. I was told by a lady her accelerator was broken and it always went that fast, no matter what — Eric Mosso

sign

Now here is a list of better excuses:

  1. Pulled over a Corvette doing 100 in 55zone. Late at night on highway, no traffic. I told the driver, “You were flying, unless you have a pilot’s license, you are going to jail”. Yes, he handed me a pilot license…yes, I let him go. — Chuck Ervin
  2. I stopped a lady who was crying when I walked up. I asked what the problem was. She said she had gone shopping for the first time after having a baby and nothing fit right. I handed her her license back and slowly backed away. Nothing good was coming from this! — Cookie Crumbles
  3. “I was just keeping the 2 second buffer time between me and the car behind me”. “There was no one behind you…” “Good job, huh?” — Scott Mainardy
  4. “The box says ‘If you have an erection over 4 hours, see your doctor IMMEDIATELY!'” — Scott Tyler
  5. “I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying.” — Aaron Roberts
  6. A 17-year-old was going 23 over. When I asked him why he was going so fast, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Because I’m just all kinds of stupid”. -— Billy Graves
  7. I got tagged for doing 54 in a 45 years back. The officer laughed when he told me and I said that my dyslexia was acting up again. —​ Scott Russell

I’ve always personally found that if you are completely honest with the officers who pull you over, they are sometimes more inclined to be lenient on you.  There is no use pleading insanity parked at the side of the road!  You’d have to be absolutely nuts to do something like that!  

Note:  These 20 excuses were borrowed from “The Question“.  Thanks to the author for sharing this humorous info!