How to Survive Using a Public Restroom

lochnesstoilet

How many times have you used a public restroom only to walk into a stall and see what looked like the Lochness Monster sticking up and peeking out at you from over the toilet seat?

It’s happened to me more than a hundred times throughout my life!

The whole point of this article is to tell you how you can survive using public restrooms…if you are squeamish, you will certainly want to stop reading here.  The biggest challenges of using public toilets is that you never know what to expect.  I’ve encountered everything from feces thrown on the wall down to pee all over the floors!

First, I wish to tell you how to avoid being the victim of bathroom pranks.  At an early age, a friend of mine and I used to be completely guilty of committing such pranks together.  So my past shameful ways reminded me that there may have been others out there who wanted to victimize me in the same manner.  So when it comes to avoid being such a victim in a public restroom, here are some helpful tips:

  • If the person next to you drops some toilet paper that supposedly has poop on it into your stall and then asks you to hand it back over to him, drop some “clean” toilet paper into his stall with a firmly-toned comment:  “You’re on your own, man!”  Sometimes, the prank here is that they will rub peanut butter on the toilet paper just to fool you into thinking that they had been in the process of wiping when they clumsily fumbled the paper.  Then they will say something like: “Hey man, this is the last bit of toilet paper over here.  Can you hand it back over?”
  • Never wear your best clothes when using a public restroom.  You never know when someone is going to run in there, take a crap-load of paper towels, soak them in the sink, and throw them at the ceiling directly above you, causing it to stick while raining bathroom water upon you.
  • On that same note, make sure that you spread your legs nice and wide so that your pants are spread tightly across your calves.  You don’t want anyone to jerk your pants out from under you and throw them in the lobby outside so that you have to run out in your “skivvies” and retrieve them, giving everyone present a hearty laugh in what may have been an otherwise drab day.
  • Another prank I committed involved a telephone that was located right across from the door leading into a bathroom.  When I went to the restroom and noticed that the urinals were directly on the other side with no partitions of separation, my sick little mind went to work.  So I staged a girl friend to pretend that she was using the phone and had a friend follow me into the restroom.  But the whole prank involved him taking his time while I was holding the door open.  While the door was wide open, my girl friend took the role of “meat gazer” as she looked at the guy using the first urinal boasting a huge grin on her face and waving at him.  The guy started yelling at me:  “Close the door! Close the door, man!”  So always be aware of your surroundings, inside and outside the rest room!

Now that I have covered pranks, now it is important for me to discuss how dire it is to expect the unexpected!  The pranks are only a small part of this.  But one time, while using a restroom at a bar in Sydney, Australia, I had been using a urinal when I saw someone occupy the urinal next to mine.  But it is always gentleman’s etiquette — at least for heterosexual men — to not look directly at the person next to you in such a situation; though talking to them is perfectly fine.  I greeted the guy, and he friendly enough replied just as politely.  It was not until I went to wash my hands that I noticed the guy was in drag and actually looked like one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen!  I was in complete shock, watching in the mirror, as he had hiked his miniskirt up to pee in the urinal!  It concerned me so badly that I informed my buddy who had been with me.  And we both started checking the Aussie lasses who were with us for Adam’s apples while swilling beer with them.

I already told you about the sickening stuff you could encounter in restrooms.  In most cases, men’s restrooms are worse than women’s.  Some men have no class at all and will pee all over floors and toilet seats.  Women usually tend to be more mindful and considerate of one another.  However, I’ve heard from some women that there are some real sick bitches out there as well…stories of tampons hanging out of a toilet bowl like teabags that didn’t quite make it into the punch bowl.

I’ve also heard stories of people who have gotten crabs off of toilet seats in public bathrooms.  Heck…these days you never know what you will catch.  It seems like things are getting worse and worse.  You might even get lobsters!

I am always very paranoid when I sit on a public toilet.  You never know who or what was sitting there before you came along.  A guy could have already had half a turd fumbling out of his ass before it even made contact with the toilet…so where did all that residoo-doo go?

Safe toilet use requires me to literally cover my ass when I use a public potty!  First, I will take a bunch of toilet paper and give the toilet seat and any part of the exposed rim a good and quick wipe-down.  Next, I will look for the paper toilet covers that some restrooms are courteous enough to conveniently offer.  If there are none, I will instead use two layers of toilet paper to place over the entire toilet seat before I sit on it.

And when my business is done, I will finally use toilet paper to flush the commode and / or operate anything else in the bathroom that requires any type of physical contact.  As a matter of fact, you should be like Dexter when it comes to using the bathroom.  You do not want to leave any possible evidence that you had ever been there.  Especially if the toilet looks like some of the worst I have seen in my lifetime thus far.

I hope that any and all who read this article will find it completely useful.  If not, it’s your potty…you can cry if you want to!

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