10 Reasons Why the U.S. Military is Better than Terrorists

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After Sept. 11, 2001, most everyone in the world — except the terrorists themselves — realized that they were the scum of the earth.

Yes, I’ve heard the saying:  “One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.”  But these guys, in most cases, cannot even face an opponent on the battlefield, man-to-man.  Instead, they just brood and scheme, cowering in the shadows like the cowards they really are.

But to make my point, I’ve come up with several reasons why the United States Military is better than terrorists:

# 10

Our military fights face-to-face, while the terrorists hide, scheme and sneak around, too scared to meet in the real field of battle.

# 9

They cannot even shoot good quality videos!  Our guys have the top-of-the-line equipment.

# 8

Our guys are much better funded.

# 7

Our God is better than their god, even though some think that these gods are one and the same.  Our military’s belief in God will most likely result in lives being saved.  Their belief will result in them being destroyed.

# 6

They attack first and claim responsibility later.  Our military reminds them of their responsibility (to pay for the deaths of innocents) and then makes them pay in full.

# 5

They attack poor, helpless victims, while our guys rescue them.

# 4

Our military smokes Camels while the terrorists ride them.

# 3

They say that our guys are sheep.  But who the hell is the dumbass that puts on an explosive vest?

# 2

When our guys wear a vest, they’re getting laid that following or same evening.  When they wear a vest, they only “think” they are about to get laid…by 72 virgin women.  Little do they know that there will be 72 other dumb terrorists pulling the soul train on each of them.  They asked for 72, they got it!

# 1

They want to die for their cause.  Our military is more than happy to help them do it!

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Honor Trumps Profitability

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I realize this is no way to become a successful novelist, but I just sold a soft-cover copy of 2018: An Uncivil War and only made $2.00 profit.

One of our honorable United States Army veterans purchased it. He was one who came back from Vietnam to experience one of the many most unwelcoming, angry rallies of protesters , was spit on, and hatefully called a “baby killer”.

I cannot eat my profit for EVERY veteran out there; but this one time, I figured it was worth it to do so, especially after hearing the story of this brave warrior. First, he endured the horrors of war, explaining to me: “Every night, I went to sleep not knowing if I would see the sun rise…and on the mornings I did, I wondered if I would live to see it set.” And I’ve already described how he was treated when he came back home.

If you are the reader in question (I won’t say your name due to confidentiality), I hope you enjoy reading the book as much as I enjoyed writing it. After all, it was written in your honor. God bless you, my new friend!

Drive…Don’t Be Driven!

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It is always important to have some sort of buffer between you and the windshields of your vehicle whenever you suffer a horrendous impact therein.  Sometimes, seat belts simply are not enough.  This is why auto manufacturers created air bags.  After all, it doesn’t do to be seen driving around with inflatable love partners between us and every wall of our vehicle.

Air bags, though very well-known for saving countless lives in automobile crashes, actually require us to change some of our old habits.  For example, if you ask 100 drivers at what position your hands should be on the steering wheel, half (give or take half) or so will most likely tell you the 10 o’clock and two o’clock positions.  This is simply because  before the invention of air bags many of us old-timers were taught that this was the correct position for total traffic safety and readiness.  But now, people who have had air bags deployed with their hands in this position have actually suffered broken bones in their hands and arms.  Now it is taught (or so I have heard) that the proper hand positions are nine o’clock and three o’clock.  .This will allow for the air bags to deploy without causing bodily injury.

Hell, I guess these days we should all be thankful of anyone who has even one hand on the wheel.  After all, you got people who text, put on make-up, eat food, drink beverages, mess with their phones,  engage in sexual activities, and all sorts of other craziness!

Back to seat belts!  Apparently statistics say that more lives are saved when people are wearing them than when not wearing them.  But how many of you have heard stories about people who were thrown clear when not wearing them, but would have surely died if they had been?  As a driver, it is important to know that you are responsible for making sure your passengers are using your seat belts.  If you get stopped, and one of them has failed to do so, you will get the ticket, not them.  (And the same thing goes for open booze containers in your car.)

Making sure you are securely anchored into your vehicle is only one aspect of safe driving.  Another point to consider is listening to music excessively loud.  Not only does it kill your hearing, but it also prevents you from hearing emergency and other type vehicles  who may be getting ready to collide into you and are blowing their horns in warning.

As far as other types of distractions while driving, oral sex in a moving vehicle should be at all times avoided.  After all, if a woman is servicing her husband or boyfriend, a collision could create quite an embarrassing situation, if not a deadly one!  The man could suffer excessive blood loss, while the woman could end up choking to death (unless the man happens to be built the same way Irish are rumored to be built).

In my latest novel, one of my female characters flashes her breast to one of my males.  Luckily, this guy kept control of his vehicle.  But please don’t be showing your pink parts to people while they are driving.  Otherwise, you will have to suffer mentally, knowing that yours was the last pair of something or another that they saw before dying in a fiery crash.  And this also goes for mooning.  If I were to do this, it would be equivalent to looking at the sun without UV protection covering your eyes!

Aside from distractions, we also need to be aware of road hazards.  Be mindful of vehicles on the side of the road.  You never know when a pulled-over driver might be oblivious enough to open their automobile door in a way that it falls in the path of your moving automobile.  And we need to be considerate of our state troopers and other law enforcement vehicles who have pulled over speeders.  After all, how would you feel if you ended up taking out half a dozen people just because you did not want to move over into the fast lane?

We mentioned open containers earlier.  Need I even mention drinking and driving?  The old cliche says “Don’t drink and drive; you might spill your drink.”  But I used to know someone who killed a person while he was driving drunk.  That death haunted him up until the day he died.  So it is a serious issue, and none to be joked about.  Also, it used to not be cool to be a designated driver for people going out enjoying a little nightlife.  This has apparently changed over the years!

Also watch your speed!  Some drivers are spiteful and may pull out right in front of you, intentionally trying to slow you down…not to mention that some speeders have paid fines that would sicken even Perez Hilton.  On the same note, don’t accept invitations from people who want to race you.  Because even the bad ass has to pay his fines in order to keep his license.

In summary, the best thing we can do as drivers is to drive, not be driven!

Character Reveal: The Highwayman

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Starting in the mid-80s, body parts of women started appearing on the interstate, packaged in styrofoam and wrapped in cellophane, just like cuts of steak purchased in grocery stores…all bundled together at various points in one of the two busy lanes of I-65 through central Alabama.  Starting after the first incident, these sick displays of newer victims continued to occur three times, each year chosen by the serial killer who came to be known as the Highwayman.

What makes this lunatic tick?  And why is he still killing women after all these years?

For more information on An Interstate Ghost Story:  The Girl on the Highway, please visit Phil Sanderson’s Official Website.

Note:  Image of “Shouting Man” by chrisroll / FreeDigitalImages.net.

How James Bond Saves the World…Again and Again!

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Ian Lancaster Fleming started work on his first spy novel on Feb. 17, 1952 while living in Jamaica on his estate called Goldeneye.  He named the main character, a British secret agent, after an ornithologist who wrote his favorite book on the topic…Bond…James Bond.  The book would be called Casino Royale.  And ever since then, most men have always more or less pretended to be James Bond; and many women have been wanting them to be the world’s famous super-spy!

Ian Fleming once remarked that he always wanted to establish a code of chivalry for his character.  He also more or less went with a theme that resembled a modern version of the famous tale about King George and the dragon:  Man performs heroically in key situations.  Woman gets captured by the evil antagonist.  Heroic man / protagonist rescues the woman.  But he added additional elements that would establish drama and intrigue to his tales, making them timeless and memorable for the years that were there and would continue to come.

As long as there are evil sons of bitches and other villains in our world…those like Kim Jong-Un,,Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and other cheese-dicks who would cruelly impose their will and power upon the less than fortunate, then the James Bond franchise will continue to thrive just as it always has.

Here are some more reasons why James Bond will never die and will always be in the next film:

  • James Bond is more witty than even Hank Moody!  (Who the hell is Hank Moody?  This video should successfully answer that question:)   And this video should prove it:  
  • James Bond is the epitome of men’s fashion, style, technology, and sophistication!
  • Most people like action.  
  • Most people like drama.
  • Most people like humor.
  • James Bond usually helps the careers of the actors who portray him.
  • James Bond is good for charity (the actors usually support them).
  • Just about every movie is compared to those of the James Bond franchise.
  • When one thinks of action, they think of James Bond.
  • The book franchise was so important that numerous writers have taken the helm when needed.
  • James Bond means “business”.  The name has sold billions of dollars worth of products all over the world!  For example, his name has even sold fragrances!

So James Bond is simply big business.  There is no way possible that Ian Fleming could have known just what he was starting when he sat down at his typewriter and wrote this very first line of his first novel:  “The scent of sweat and smoke of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning.”

How to Survive Using a Public Restroom

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How many times have you used a public restroom only to walk into a stall and see what looked like the Lochness Monster sticking up and peeking out at you from over the toilet seat?

It’s happened to me more than a hundred times throughout my life!

The whole point of this article is to tell you how you can survive using public restrooms…if you are squeamish, you will certainly want to stop reading here.  The biggest challenges of using public toilets is that you never know what to expect.  I’ve encountered everything from feces thrown on the wall down to pee all over the floors!

First, I wish to tell you how to avoid being the victim of bathroom pranks.  At an early age, a friend of mine and I used to be completely guilty of committing such pranks together.  So my past shameful ways reminded me that there may have been others out there who wanted to victimize me in the same manner.  So when it comes to avoid being such a victim in a public restroom, here are some helpful tips:

  • If the person next to you drops some toilet paper that supposedly has poop on it into your stall and then asks you to hand it back over to him, drop some “clean” toilet paper into his stall with a firmly-toned comment:  “You’re on your own, man!”  Sometimes, the prank here is that they will rub peanut butter on the toilet paper just to fool you into thinking that they had been in the process of wiping when they clumsily fumbled the paper.  Then they will say something like: “Hey man, this is the last bit of toilet paper over here.  Can you hand it back over?”
  • Never wear your best clothes when using a public restroom.  You never know when someone is going to run in there, take a crap-load of paper towels, soak them in the sink, and throw them at the ceiling directly above you, causing it to stick while raining bathroom water upon you.
  • On that same note, make sure that you spread your legs nice and wide so that your pants are spread tightly across your calves.  You don’t want anyone to jerk your pants out from under you and throw them in the lobby outside so that you have to run out in your “skivvies” and retrieve them, giving everyone present a hearty laugh in what may have been an otherwise drab day.
  • Another prank I committed involved a telephone that was located right across from the door leading into a bathroom.  When I went to the restroom and noticed that the urinals were directly on the other side with no partitions of separation, my sick little mind went to work.  So I staged a girl friend to pretend that she was using the phone and had a friend follow me into the restroom.  But the whole prank involved him taking his time while I was holding the door open.  While the door was wide open, my girl friend took the role of “meat gazer” as she looked at the guy using the first urinal boasting a huge grin on her face and waving at him.  The guy started yelling at me:  “Close the door! Close the door, man!”  So always be aware of your surroundings, inside and outside the rest room!

Now that I have covered pranks, now it is important for me to discuss how dire it is to expect the unexpected!  The pranks are only a small part of this.  But one time, while using a restroom at a bar in Sydney, Australia, I had been using a urinal when I saw someone occupy the urinal next to mine.  But it is always gentleman’s etiquette — at least for heterosexual men — to not look directly at the person next to you in such a situation; though talking to them is perfectly fine.  I greeted the guy, and he friendly enough replied just as politely.  It was not until I went to wash my hands that I noticed the guy was in drag and actually looked like one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen!  I was in complete shock, watching in the mirror, as he had hiked his miniskirt up to pee in the urinal!  It concerned me so badly that I informed my buddy who had been with me.  And we both started checking the Aussie lasses who were with us for Adam’s apples while swilling beer with them.

I already told you about the sickening stuff you could encounter in restrooms.  In most cases, men’s restrooms are worse than women’s.  Some men have no class at all and will pee all over floors and toilet seats.  Women usually tend to be more mindful and considerate of one another.  However, I’ve heard from some women that there are some real sick bitches out there as well…stories of tampons hanging out of a toilet bowl like teabags that didn’t quite make it into the punch bowl.

I’ve also heard stories of people who have gotten crabs off of toilet seats in public bathrooms.  Heck…these days you never know what you will catch.  It seems like things are getting worse and worse.  You might even get lobsters!

I am always very paranoid when I sit on a public toilet.  You never know who or what was sitting there before you came along.  A guy could have already had half a turd fumbling out of his ass before it even made contact with the toilet…so where did all that residoo-doo go?

Safe toilet use requires me to literally cover my ass when I use a public potty!  First, I will take a bunch of toilet paper and give the toilet seat and any part of the exposed rim a good and quick wipe-down.  Next, I will look for the paper toilet covers that some restrooms are courteous enough to conveniently offer.  If there are none, I will instead use two layers of toilet paper to place over the entire toilet seat before I sit on it.

And when my business is done, I will finally use toilet paper to flush the commode and / or operate anything else in the bathroom that requires any type of physical contact.  As a matter of fact, you should be like Dexter when it comes to using the bathroom.  You do not want to leave any possible evidence that you had ever been there.  Especially if the toilet looks like some of the worst I have seen in my lifetime thus far.

I hope that any and all who read this article will find it completely useful.  If not, it’s your potty…you can cry if you want to!