To Fart, Or Not To Fart…This is the Question

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People have probably been farting ever since Adam left his two-week old fig leaf near the tree of knowledge and Eve, curious, sniffed it, for the first time regretting the knowledge brought forth from that experience.  So why in the hell do many in our society look down their nose when someone farts within earshot of them?  I think the only time it really matters is when it stinks so bad that it literally makes your stomach turn upside down in your abdominal cage, wanting to flee out of your ass.

I’ve even seen it in my own family!  I once said the word “fart” in front of my then-girlfriend’s two children after we first started dating.  Because they were both under the age of 10, she asked me to call it a “fluff”.  I looked at her with a look that seemed to say:  really?  I had to make sure that I didn’t say the word that begins with “S”-“H”…the one that sounds kinda like Shi-ite!  Nope!  I had actually said “fart” instead.  So my mind tried to reason this out:  Oh!  It must be because one always visualizes a fart as some sort of invisible cloud of mischief that seems to follow someone around, sorta like a bad storm!  And clouds are usually fluffy.

So I humored her for awhile, even though accidentally forgetting and calling it what it was from time to time regardless.

Then there was the day that my wife was sitting between me and my brother in Memphis!…and we decided to have a farting contest!  My brother assumed the role of victor in that particular bout, but I gave a good solid effort and won a Dishonorable Mention!

I say, “dishonorable”, because there are probably more people in this world that look down on those who fart.  But (dammit!) we’re people too!  And we deserve as much respect as homosexuals, foreigners, and other people of discretion in society.

Farting is not as toxic as people make it seem…well, not always!  It seems that more times than not, farts are usually quite harmless…I daresay they are more often harmless than not.  So what is the big damn deal!

I feel as though we live in a society where a man sticking his penis in another man’s hairy behind is more acceptable than squeezing a squeaker out between rapidly gyrating butt cheeks!  What’s the matter with this world?  One is more natural than the other; but it seems to make more allowances for the more unnatural act!  God help us, when we finally realize that some men probably stick it between “rapidly gyrating, hairy butt cheeks”, against a wind more foul than a turd in the microwave!  Now imagine what the prudish probably think of this picture (and I do not mean the turd in the microwave)!

I think that farting should be celebrated!  It’s funny, and each fart is unique in sound, composition, and geographical coverage.  They could actually create a national or perhaps international holiday for it:  Farter’s Day!  The logo for this holiday should simply be:  “Loud and Proud, Baby!”  The theme should be: “If you don’t like it, get the hell out of my car…you can walk home!”

Now, like all meaningful things in society, there would need to be reasonable guidelines:

  1. Thou shalt not fart in his neighbor’s face.
  2. Thou shalt not fart when there is a turd in the pocket.
  3. Thou shalt not fart at the dinner table or kitchen.
  4. Thou shalt not use child-proof locks when a fart has ripped inside a vehicle.
  5. Thou shalt not fart during sexual intercourse.
  6. Thou shalt not fart during cunnilingus or fellatio.
  7. Thou shalt not pull the sheets down over a bed mate’s head forcing them to smell thy fart.
  8. Thou shalt halt the process in the event and / or onset of dampness!
  9. Thou shalt be loud and proud when expelling air from thy proudly hailed buttocks.
  10. Thou shalt break wind together in special times of celebration!

If we are mindful with these simple rules above, then there is no reason all cannot have a wonderful time dispelling air that is not meant to remain inside our system.  It is actually healthy to remove it at once.  Ask any doctor!  And then do it right in front of him to acknowledge your understanding and compliance.

 

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