Stop Road Rage: Follow the Rules of the Road!

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“Dammit!  If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the damned sidewalk!”

This seems to be the attitude of many drivers out there today.  It seems as if they make their own rules, no matter how dumb or crazy they happen to be.  Somewhere, it appears they were passed out when the brains were.  And they wonder why so many people ride their bumper, flip them off, run them off the road, or throw drink bottles on their windshields.

Where were you when you learned the Rules of the Road?  I was a sergeant in the Marine Corps on a business trip with a gunnery sergeant who was training me to take over as the new Public Affairs NCO in charge of all Marine Corps recruiting in the state of North Carolina.  The gunny chewed my ass telling me that I was “pissing off the people behind me in the fast lane”.

If you are reading this and do not know what the fast lane is, then you are about as clueless as I used to be on the subject of the Rules of the Road.  So it is my duty as a kind and learned writer to explain them to you the same way my gunny explained them to me that same day.

When you are on the highways or interstates, you need to be courteous to your fellow travelers.  And the key to doing so is lies in how you drive in the fast lane (also known as the “hammer lane”); but for all intents and purposes, it is simply the furthermost lane to the left of the traveling lanes (this does not apply to two-way roads of course).

Many of you have probably seen these signs that read:  “Slow traffic keep right”.  There is a reason for this!  It is so that traffic can continue flowing as smoothly as possible.  Let’s say that you have several vehicles in the right lane of a two-lane, one-way road.  If you are one of those cars, and you want to get ahead of this group of cars that seems to be going much slower than you care to go, the thing to do is to wait until you are free to pass, and do so in as safely a manner as possible.  If there are vehicles coming up in the fast lane going faster than what you plan to go, you should permit them to go ahead of you before crossing over into that lane.

Once you have entered the fast lane, try to get back over into the slow lane once you get ahead of all the cars going slower than you.  Don’t be one of those clueless morons who simply rides in the fast lane just because it “seems like the thing to do” or because “there are fewer vehicles in it”.  Because if someone comes up behind you traveling at a faster speed and you continue to hold them up, nasty things can happen.  First and foremost, the guy can be a real loon who decides that — because of your lack of knowledge of these rules — you no longer deserve to live.  He may force you off the road, into a ditch!  Or maybe he will be more Charles Bronson about it and simply remove a revolver and point and shoot, like an Instamatic camera — got the picture?

The only reason why someone should ride whole trips in the fast lane is because they are going faster than everyone else.  If that is you, then try not to get a ticket, and try not to kill anyone.; but still do be courteous!

These are rather simple rules, aren’t they?  If you agree, please answer me one simple question:  “Why in the hell do I see so many unknowing and inconsiderate drivers on the road?  Today, some dumb bitch was holding me up in the fast lane.  And then when I tried to pass her in the slow lane, the brainless bimbo tried to race me!  What kinda crap is that?

So here is a numerical list in summary of what I’ve written above:

  1. Don’t ride the whole trip in the fast lane!
  2. Let faster vehicles coming up from behind pass you.
  3. Never, never, NEVER forget:  “Slow traffic keep right!”
  4. Try to avoid passing in the slow lane; but if some stupid, clueless bitch is holding up traffic in the fast lane, then — by all means! — pass her in the slow lane; but only if you can do so safely.
  5. Be careful who you flip off!  It could be a state trooper in an unmarked car!
  6. Don’t have sex while driving!  Many other drivers may not be getting any at home.  And it is not courteous to show them what they are missing.
  7. Dispose of all dead bodies before stopping at weigh stations.
  8. Remember to unfasten your dog’s leash from your rear bumper before leaving the rest area.  No one wants to see your dog barking at them while you are passing!
  9. Don’t pick up hitch hikers.  They may have forgotten to wear their deodorant!
  10. If you have to fart in the car with other passengers riding along, make sure the child locks are not activated.

So, my fellow travelers!  Be safe and mindful on your next trip on the highways, interstates, and freeways!

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