To Fart, Or Not To Fart…This is the Question

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People have probably been farting ever since Adam left his two-week old fig leaf near the tree of knowledge and Eve, curious, sniffed it, for the first time regretting the knowledge brought forth from that experience.  So why in the hell do many in our society look down their nose when someone farts within earshot of them?  I think the only time it really matters is when it stinks so bad that it literally makes your stomach turn upside down in your abdominal cage, wanting to flee out of your ass.

I’ve even seen it in my own family!  I once said the word “fart” in front of my then-girlfriend’s two children after we first started dating.  Because they were both under the age of 10, she asked me to call it a “fluff”.  I looked at her with a look that seemed to say:  really?  I had to make sure that I didn’t say the word that begins with “S”-“H”…the one that sounds kinda like Shi-ite!  Nope!  I had actually said “fart” instead.  So my mind tried to reason this out:  Oh!  It must be because one always visualizes a fart as some sort of invisible cloud of mischief that seems to follow someone around, sorta like a bad storm!  And clouds are usually fluffy.

So I humored her for awhile, even though accidentally forgetting and calling it what it was from time to time regardless.

Then there was the day that my wife was sitting between me and my brother in Memphis!…and we decided to have a farting contest!  My brother assumed the role of victor in that particular bout, but I gave a good solid effort and won a Dishonorable Mention!

I say, “dishonorable”, because there are probably more people in this world that look down on those who fart.  But (dammit!) we’re people too!  And we deserve as much respect as homosexuals, foreigners, and other people of discretion in society.

Farting is not as toxic as people make it seem…well, not always!  It seems that more times than not, farts are usually quite harmless…I daresay they are more often harmless than not.  So what is the big damn deal!

I feel as though we live in a society where a man sticking his penis in another man’s hairy behind is more acceptable than squeezing a squeaker out between rapidly gyrating butt cheeks!  What’s the matter with this world?  One is more natural than the other; but it seems to make more allowances for the more unnatural act!  God help us, when we finally realize that some men probably stick it between “rapidly gyrating, hairy butt cheeks”, against a wind more foul than a turd in the microwave!  Now imagine what the prudish probably think of this picture (and I do not mean the turd in the microwave)!

I think that farting should be celebrated!  It’s funny, and each fart is unique in sound, composition, and geographical coverage.  They could actually create a national or perhaps international holiday for it:  Farter’s Day!  The logo for this holiday should simply be:  “Loud and Proud, Baby!”  The theme should be: “If you don’t like it, get the hell out of my car…you can walk home!”

Now, like all meaningful things in society, there would need to be reasonable guidelines:

  1. Thou shalt not fart in his neighbor’s face.
  2. Thou shalt not fart when there is a turd in the pocket.
  3. Thou shalt not fart at the dinner table or kitchen.
  4. Thou shalt not use child-proof locks when a fart has ripped inside a vehicle.
  5. Thou shalt not fart during sexual intercourse.
  6. Thou shalt not fart during cunnilingus or fellatio.
  7. Thou shalt not pull the sheets down over a bed mate’s head forcing them to smell thy fart.
  8. Thou shalt halt the process in the event and / or onset of dampness!
  9. Thou shalt be loud and proud when expelling air from thy proudly hailed buttocks.
  10. Thou shalt break wind together in special times of celebration!

If we are mindful with these simple rules above, then there is no reason all cannot have a wonderful time dispelling air that is not meant to remain inside our system.  It is actually healthy to remove it at once.  Ask any doctor!  And then do it right in front of him to acknowledge your understanding and compliance.

 

2018 = 99 Cents!

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What better way to celebrate independence than to read about the winning of freedom over tyranny?  Starting Memorial Day and running through the Fourth of July, you can purchase Phil Sanderson’s 2018: An Uncivil War on e-book for only 99 cents!  Depending on the success of this promotion, 99 cents could become the new permanent price.  The author has started this promotion on Memorial Day in order to honor all the fallen patriots of our great nation here in America.  He’s thinking about ending it on Independence Day in celebration of our hard-won American freedom.

 So if you have not yet added this book to your digital library, now is the perfect time to do so.  This book, published by Phil Sanderson the author himself, doesn’t get any cheaper than this.  In order to get the discount, please be careful to distinguish between the e-book published by AuthorHouse, and the one published by Phil Sanderson.  The aforementioned book costs $3.99, whereas the latter one is the one covered by this promotion.  You can follow the links on this page to get directly to the promotion:  http://www.philsanderson.net/novels

Happy reading, thriller fans and action lovers, the world over!  And God bless America and the people who fought and continue to fight in order to keep her free!

Please read what readers have said about 2018: An Uncivil War:  

I love mysteries and this book filled that criteria, but it also had a lot more in the book that would attract other readers also.  It is not just about war.  This book kept me glued to it from the moment I picked it up until the moment I finished it.  Surprisingly I have found a new author to add to my favorites.  I have told all my book reading friends they need to get a copy and I am now telling you that you need to check it out.  Please if you are not sure whether you will like it or not, try it.  You won’t go wrong.  You get involved in the characters’ lives from the start, and you can’t help but want to help them all the way through!  — Pamela L. Bradshaw

It appears as though the author lived these events…so real, so true, hard to put down…enjoyable / easy read — Anna

I found Mr. Sanderson’s book very interesting, and it seems to be true of what is happening today.  The threat of the government taking our guns and the repercussions from this seem to be playing out in today’s world.  I found his characters interesting, and I could relate to them.  I did get a little lost during the discussion of gov’t and the gov’t officials.  But overall I found it interesting, and the fact that it was broken into 3 sections gave a time to prepare for what was coming next.  I hope Mr. Sanderson has not seen into the future and written out our fate to come. — S.Z. Smith

What a great book.  I haven’t finished reading, but had to jump on here and give my review.  With over 400 to 500 pages, 2018: An Uncivil War, is worth the price.  Phil Sanderson’s writing is remarkable, and yet fearful.  Understanding what could happen is very frightening.  The nation collapses into chaos, and government is divided.  As a reader you are also divided, who’s right?  What side will you take?  The people?  The government?  Phil brings out points that will make you think about events of today that may effect tomorrow.  — Mike Jones

 

Sample from “The Girl on the Highway” by Phil Sanderson

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Excerpt from “Part I — The Road to Hell”:

Suddenly, out of nowhere, they both noticed a woman in the road! And the woman seemed to be pointing right at the driver!

The creepy trucker swerved to miss her, and must have succeeded. As the vehicle had jolted toward the right lane, Adrianna felt something bump her ankle. If the trucker had hit the woman, she heard nor felt any indicator of it. She was promptly aware that it strangely and rapidly turned cold as winter inside the truck cab. And she felt the goose flesh appearing on both her arms as they were crossed before her in an effort to get warm.

Whatever it was that hit her ankle was now rolling around near her feet. Curious, she looked down just as the truck was passing underneath a street lamp and she saw a horrified face upon a mussed up head looking up at her. She quickly screamed and lifted her feet off the floorboard of the vehicle. Then she looked down again in total disbelief at what she was actually seeing. A streak of blood had apparently smeared the victim’s chin just above what looked like the fatal cut. The head was especially terrifying with all the hair splayed out and around all over it. It rolled away once more back into the darkness and then back out again. What was really strange was that the lips were moving! How the hell could this be! She couldn’t hear any words, but she could read them clearly: Get out!

Want to stay current on news about this novel?  Please subscribe on my official website, Phil Sanderson — Writer and Novelist.

Don’t Pee in the Amazon!

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You have probably heard the old saying, if you have ever been to Mexico or other places in South America:  “Don’t drink the water!”  Well, apparently, you shouldn’t pee in it either!

It’s bad enough that we have date rape drugs, rapist, and serial killers in this world.  But there is also a fish that swims into the most privates of places (the plural form in both of these words was intentional!)  That’s right!  A fish that will swim into your penis or vagina hole and enjoy the rest of your vacation with you!  If this fish was a soul singer, it would be called Urethra Franklin!  However, it is more affectionately known as a candiru, canero, toothpick fish, and penis fish.  I call it the hell-no…stay-away-from-my-johnson fish!  You might call it something else, maybe the worst-thing-that-could-possibly-go-wrong-on-your-vacation fish.

According to Wikipedia:  

Candiru (candirú (Spanish, also known as canero or toothpick fish) are parasitic freshwater catfish and a member of theTrichomycteridae family. They can be found in the Amazon River and to the people who live there, they are the most feared fish in its waters, even over the piranha.[1] They are eel-shaped and translucent, making them very difficult to see in the water. Some species have been known to grow to a size of 6 inches (~15 cm) in length.

The area that has the most of these fish is at the section between the Amazon River and the Rio Negro, near Brazil‘s inland city of Manaus.

It really astonishes me that this fish can actually grow larger than the average Irishman’s penis!  Yikesapalooza!  One thing is for damned sure, people from Ireland may not want to make this trip without a frickin’ leprechaun!  Heck, I’ve got one better than that.  If someone tells me there is a fish in the river that wants to violate the holiest of holies, you can rest assured that my silly ass is not going to get anywhere near the water!  Once I hear the words penis and fish, I’m like Ben Stiller in that movie There’s Something About Mary!

Rest assured, however!  If you do happen to drink too much tequila while you’re below the equator and happen to get one of these critters in your junk, there is a ray of hope!  A long and complicated surgery can evict this invader of your most intimate places.  One of these guys was actually a guest star on Grey’s Anatomy!  In this episode, it swum into the pee hole of the actor who portrayed Skinner on the X-Files…how appropriate!  

Anyway, always remember!  If you are swimming around in South America, please do so — for your own sake — with your legs closed!

 

 

Stand Up to Bullies!

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Bullies suck!

There are many different types of bullying.  When we are young and in school it tends to be physical and mental.  But as we move on in life as adults, it often becomes more mental and emotional.  No matter how you look at it, bullying gives us a type of stress that we really could live without.

In life we have many different types of bullies.  You have the kid that threatens to beat your ass if you don’t give him your lunch money.  Then you have the boss who has the ultimate power trip and targets you to be his or her example to keep all the other employees in line.  Then you have the brown-noser, who has his nose so far up the bosses ass he can tell you anytime, any day what type of mouthwash the boss is using (this guy takes cheap shots at you just because he can get away with it — being best buds with the boss!).  Then you have the chief gossip monger who takes offense to you when you call her out on it and then turns her social influence against you.  And let’s not forget the internet bully!  This person also uses social influence against you in order to get a bunch of web surfers to hang 10 insults on your ass in a single wave of passing seconds.

All these bullies have one thing in common.  They think they have power over their carefully chosen victims.  As action screen legend Clint Eastwood would gladly say, they are legends in their own minds.  What they really don’t expect is for their victims to stand up to them.  Once this happens, the fun ride is over.  Get off of it, proceed to the back gate, and don’t let it hit you on your ass as you’re walking out.

I remember what it was liked to be bullied.  I used to be a skinny nerd with funny-looking ears.  This was during the time that I wanted to be Ian Fleming when I grew up.  I owned all of the James Bond novels and always had one with me at any given time.  There were these two guys that were involved in martial arts that terrorized all the nerds and socially awkward students in the school.  Truth be told, I was terrified of them.  They used to pick on me in the lunchroom.

One day, after lunch, I had a class on the second floor of a two-story school building.  Class had not yet started.  All the kids were socializing.  I was minding my own business, reading my novel.  Well one of the lunchtime bullies also shared this class with me.  He walks right up to me, jerks my novel out of my hand, goes over to the window (one of those long, horizontal deals with an easy-to-turn handle for opening and closing purposes), opens it, and throws my book out of it.

This made my blood boil, so I charged him and tackled him through several rows of desks, some of them containing students.  And I started to wail on him with my fists, but the teacher came in that very moment and broke us up.  The bully quickly left the room and came back in a few minutes later with my book.  He presented it to me, telling me:  “It’s about damned time you stood up for yourself.”  And after that, I never had a problem with ANY of the bullies in the school.

I learned then, the hard way, that if you let one bully pick on you, you basically lay down the red carpet for all of them to do it to you.  You will spend so much time on your knees either begging them to leave you alone or scurrying from point-A to point-B with your tail between your legs, hoping none of them notice you.

The second time I encountered bullying, it was by the last commanding officer under whom I served in the Marines.  I had a personal victory when he tried to write me up for telling a joke he claimed was in bad taste.  His former executive officer came to my aid when I wrote my rebuttal, and she insisted that I list her as one who supported my argument against her former boss.  In the end, he looked like a fool before his own boss.  He eventually fired me from independent duty.  But he ended up getting his not too long afterward.  He was forced into retirement.  And I like to think that my standing up to him had something to do with it.

I’ve told my daughter this story whenever she had problems with bullies.  I instructed her to alert the teacher whenever a bully starts to pick on her.  Give the teacher a fair chance to correct the problem.  However, I also instructed her that if it happens again, she needs to ball up her right fist, rare it back, and send it flying right into the bully’s left cheek just as hard as she can make it go.  I’ve even taught her some moves I learned while stationed in the Marine Corps for more than seven years of my life.  Sometimes she listened to me.  And I did not hear too much complaining about bullying afterward.  However, there were times when she had problems with several different bullies, all at the same time.  I advised her to make an example of the weakest-looking one.  But she still had problems finding the courage to do so, fearful of being attacked by all of them at once.

Bullying is a vicious cycle.  And one that most of us will end up dealing with at one time or another.  I cannot say enough:  Stand strong; weather the storm; never let them see you sweat; keep a firm stance and a brave smile on your face at all times.  Let every bully know that if they miss with you, they are going to get their money’s worth in tons of trouble!