What To Do When Your Body Says: “F.U.!”

As I write this blog, I can barely breathe due to a thick mucous membrane covering the walls of my sinuses all the way from my inner nose down to my throat.  And when I do so, sometimes I notice that the top part of my throat feels like sandpaper.  I optimistically tell myself that I probably just have a slight sinus infection…but deep inside, I know there is nothing slight about these symptoms; and I know that this is most likely a full-blown cold.

This is just another day in the life of being human and being likely to catch everything from allergy infections all the way to severe viruses or bacterial infections that can waylay us in the hospital for weeks, if not even months! So what the hell are we supposed to do when our body says:  “F.U.!”?  And for all you Montgomery, Alabama collegiates, this abbreviation “F.U.” does not mean Faulkner University!  Are we supposed to roll over and take it, or are we supposed to break out the big guns and say “F.U.!” back to it?

I prefer the latter option myself.  But being unemployed with no insurance, the only option I have is to go to the Veterans Hospital in Montgomery, Ala., and get my ass chewed by my Indian doctor who is strangely enough the cross between a chihuahua and a pit bull (and what the hell would this breed officially be called?  A pithuahua?)!

“What the hell is the matter with you, Mr. Sanderson!”  He will say looking at me through eyes that most likely look similarly to those of Adolf Hitler after he took his first piss with gonorrhea!  “Why don’t you take better care of yourself?”

But what the hell am I supposed to do?  Take a crapload of herbs and vitamins in addition to the near dozen of medications I already take for various ailments?  Hell!  Maybe I should just have someone bury me alive early and get the whole damned affair over with.

Actually, there are more sensible options!  I’m not necessarily Dr. Phil here, but there have been times when I’ve been ahead of the curve where sickness is concerned…my most recent condition not considered!

First, you have to consider the many different ailments out there.  Most common are your colds and allergies.  Then you have your stomach issues.  And then there are the self-induced conditions we put ourselves through (e.g. all the ones just mentioned (strangely enough!), hangovers, withdrawal, etc.).

When it comes to colds and other illnesses, I’ve always favored devouring a chewable vitamin c tablet on a daily basis (which, for me, never works as a result of my attention-deficit disorder, which leads to my forgetting to take it — and, yes, this is one of the many things I take prescribed meds for).  What usually happens, I begin to feel the symptoms coming on; and as a result, I end up taking two vitamin c tablets — one when I wake up, and one at bedtime.

I always try to keep the following items (all available over-the-counter) in my medicine chest to help me battle any cold and sinus issues that arise:  Bottles of NyQuil or DayQuil, at least one or two Mucinex products, and Benadryl tablets.   I also encourage you to buy generic in order to save money.  Most of the generic equivalents of these items are just as good as the originals!

When it comes to stomach ailments (like the Tennessee Trots and Barking at the Porcelain God!), I always take prescribed medications (you can buy Omeprazole over the counter, however!) for my acid reflux — if it goes unchecked, it can supposedly cause cancer in your esophagus!  And if my frequent  indigestion gets past that, I usually have antacids to take.

Certain beverages can be very helpful!  Milk coats and sometimes settles the stomach (however, it can spoil in your stomach in the event of FEVER!).  Sprite and 7-Up soda often settle the stomach.  And sipping iced water is helpful when dealing with indigestion.  It’s also said that drinking Aloe Vera (I’ve actually done this; and it surprisingly tastes quite pleasant!) helps prevent indigestion and other stomach ailments.

If you find yourself stuck to a toilet or constantly calling out “Ralph!” with your face in the Bowl, then it is usually best to stick with (respectively!) soup and crackers or Imodium.  Anti-nausea medicine (if you think you are going to be upchucking; and it is also available over the counter) has always personally served me well.  Also there is another reason, besides taste, that saltine crackers are a good option for stomach issues:  The salt helps to settle your stomach.  A late family friend once advised me to actually take a full teaspoon of salt to settle my stomach…but after trying that, I found myself gagging just as bad — if not worse — than I would have been had I not taken it!

As for hangovers, the best way that I’ve always reliably beaten them was, first of all, don’t drink so damned much in the first place!  But the gluton in us may sometimes not allow us to follow that simple rule.  In that event, when I got home from a hard night of drinking, I would sit a glass of water and a sleeve of crackers on my nightstand.  That way, I was keeping food in my stomach and water in my body to prevent dehydration as I tossed and turned in drunken, sleepless fury.  The salt from the crackers — once again — would keep my stomach in tiptop shape!  There is always some smartass out there that will tell you it is not good to drink water when you are drunk.  Screw him!  He was passed out when the brains were!  This is how I’ve beaten hangovers almost every time.

There were a few times when this did not work.  In those events, I used a trick my sister taught me long ago:  Dissolving an Alka Seltzer tablet in a bottle of orange juice and then drinking the strange concoction.  However, if you do this in a public setting, be prepared to have everyone look at you like you are a witch making some strange brew.  One time when I did this, the orange juice fizzed up so quickly that it overflowed in an overt mess of foam coming out of the bottle.  Some kids at a nearby table were staring at me leading their parents doing the same.

As for all other issues, I highly recommend you go see your doctor as I am not qualified enough to make any further recommendations.  I hope you guys found this article somewhat helpful and that the info herein will keep you miraculously well!  And when all else fails, prayer is the perfect medicine!

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