How to Legally Kill People


Have you ever encountered anyone who has treated you so very badly, that you literally would have killed the person if you were allowed to do so?  Perhaps there was a bully in your younger years.  Or maybe the bully exists in your life right now, affecting your livelihood in ways that cause you great stress and worry.

Legally, we may not be able to take a gun or a straight razor to work and then most literally put them to work.  But we can instead grab a pen and paper or sit at our computer with our word processing software fired up and ready to go.

Unfortunately, it won’t make the person permanently go away.  But when you release your frustration in passionate, self-written prose or lyrics, it is practically therapeutic!  And — as long as you don’t use the person’s name and / or specifically identify the person through overly detailed description — you won’t have to serve jail time or spend time and money, battling libel out in court.  There is nothing wrong with basing characters in your songs, poems, or stories on real people.  You just cannot make any formal statements admitting that you based it on that individual.

The most rewarding result will be that others, who knew of the injustices you suffered, may read your prose or hear (and possibly sing!) your lyrics.  The beauty of this is that if these individuals know the individual, they may enjoy the opportunity to let the idiot know about your writing.  And in either or both cases, you will have the honor of knowing that you had the last word with this self-idolizing, pretentious prick.  If published, this will be an immortal stamp in time and history that this person is an arrogant, pompous ass.

Finally, what better way to make a statement to such an individual than to kill off their character before their very eyes as they read your book?  Nothing says I love you better than roses or tulips.  Nothing says Kiss my Ass better than killing or belittling your enemies by including their likenesses in your writing and exposing them for the bastards they really are.   The more popular your writing becomes, the more angry and defeated the individual will become.  And isn’t this just marvelous?

Note:  This blog entry was rewritten from Phil’s same blog on Tumblr. The original entry can be viewed here:


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